The trip is well over but the universe isn't done with me.

Well this journal is suppose to be about my life travels , but by god I need to rant so I am going to rant here. No one actually reads this thing anyways, especially now that the trip is well over.

GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My life is just awful. In the worse kind of way, that you can't tell anyone why its so awful because its not socially okay.

You can't tell you best friend you are seriously pissed off that you are jealous about her possible budding relationship with the close friend of you both who has been in love with her since eight grade who you have been equally interested in. And the fact that you are finding that your remember all seven years of having quietly watched him watch her and its turmoil. That you aren't even sure that you even like him as any but a friend anymore either, but his flirting behavior despite saying he has no interesting is FUCKING CONFUSING...AND you definitely can't say your not sure if your jealous of her because he likes her or wanting to kill him because you worry he is only interested in her because she has big boobs and will try to isolate her from you. So you feel confused as to whether or not you are jealous of him for having her attention...And that this is the first guy whom you haven't completely given up on once they tell you " Sorry Em, I really like your friend XXXX, Do you know what she thinks of me?" in ten minutes and proceed to help them find happiness. that what you are suppose to do. You actually tried to figure out a way to push back. YOU NEVER DO THAT. you know this has been what has happened every time you have liked a guy.


You can't say you aren't sure that you are feeling this way because you missed your chance to tell the guy you like from College, who you know you like, that you like him at the end of your 'class' together, because you didn't want to ruin your class with something stupid and useless like your feelings. And now you feel cruel because the only reason you were going to tell him was because you wanted to get over him, because you know he (like every other guy) could never like you beyond that of a "friend". Which is praise worth as most people don't even think of you as human.

You met the one guy who ever called you fat, ugly, stupid and generally say your an awful person and it does not even seem so bad. He was the only person who really made you feel like you weren't the only one always rejected and never had anyone like you back. You never thought that playing arcade / video games were fun or even romantic until you hung out with him, and you can't decide if you are happy or not that you will never see him again or not.

You can not talk to anyone about the fact at twenty you are basically going through menopause, and by the end of the year you won't even have Aunt Flo visit you anymore, if the quacks that are doctors are right. And there goes what you have come to believe was your only chance at ever getting a date (a guy who desperately wanted a family was my only hope), and I won't even become the old lady with the million cats because honestly I don't make the best pet owner unless its a fish.

You don't know anything about your best friends from High school anymore, and you are pretty sure they all hate your guts but you are the only one with a car big enough to fit them all in one vehicle so they deal with you.

And this is all on top of a stressful, minimum wage job in the office of the company my mum works for that I highly doubt will last the year in its current mess. Which is made worse by the fact you have been getting paid two dollars an hour more, and had great people to work in Boone but you didn't have the money to stay there.

AND it all leads up to me wanting to go clubbing???!? Seriously, I want to go out in some comfy clothes and dance my mind numb and forget this all, but I have no one to go with and even I am not dumb enough to go clubbing in my area alone.

that my life, and my rant.