And the Adventure Begins... AGAIN.

So Despite the fact that this blog has of the last year been a complete monologue of my relationship growth I am going to get this BLOG BACK ON TRACK.

Though honestly I wonder if my relationship building and ultimate fall with Zach wasn't an important part of this adventure all along. By the way if you want to know, its not so bad anymore, so days I have a bad day but most days I don't. Which is great.

So On January 26th 2011 I will be getting on a Plane to Osaka International Airport to begin my semester abroad. I AM COMPLETELY TERRIFIED. But I still haven't started packing, and I have to go get my VISA Done. Its scary.

Mainly because I have this one question I have left. And I feel stupid for wondering but no one tells you anywhere... Is your "company" for your Visa your HOME SCHOOL (Aka Apps) or the school you are doing the exchange with (Kansai GAIDAI)? No Clue and I am terrified to say the wrong one. I should just be a grown up and email Sean. But since I got him the most awkward Christmas gift and he was not so greatly amused (laughing at me for being extra silly) he seemed to take it as a sign of something.... So much for my plan to make my last encounter with Sean (more likely forever) extra special since he, Tifa, and Erin are the last of the great CHANGERS of my life I still talk to, and both Him and Erin are going to be gone (where ever) they go by the time I get back.

What is even more terrible is I never figured out what to get Erin for Christmas... Its hard to get a gift for the most bad-ass amazing person you met. Even though we rarely talk I have to say she changed my perspectives on the world every time we talked.

Now I think I am almost just babbling, basic plot:

I am nervous about studying abroad

I am nervous about everything changing

I am nervous/ sad about more likely never seeing amazing people again.

I wonder if I am any different than when I started all this? Am I better for it?

Me Vs. Monday. Monday = 1, Me= 0

>.< Some days you fail to operate under normal logic. Sunday was my day; spent all day making/building my bento/ quick dinner stocks (studying for Japanese as I did so); and I forget to make my bento, knowing My normal Monday refusal to wake up at a decent hour.

So, College kid bento on the fly (under 3 minutes)! Leftover sausage, onions and peppers sandwich, carrots, grape tomatoes, and pumpkin seeds. This was taken right before I ate it at my desk. There was was Banana chips between my tomatoes and carrots, but I was hungry during my coffee break.

Bento number 1

So bento of fall 2010 Number 1:


First Box: Curried Salmon "salad", rice, steamed carrots and peas, and raw carrots. Scream Style.
Second box: MORE RICE (*dances*), pineapples (crushed because I mistakenly bought them instead of cubes) and room for tomorrows "apple sticks" left from my morning apple.

For those whom (don't exist) want the Curried Salmon "salad" recipe:

Mix curry powder, ketchup and canned salmon to taste. Seriously that is it.

Tuesdays pretending to be Mondays.

Have I ever told you that I have a love/hate relationship with Long weekends? They both are great and the same time they make Tuesday feel like Mondays, which is plain evil.

Though this Tuesday playing at a Monday was decent enough, had a little bit of homesickness kick in. (I seem to have caught this bug this year). I watched Paprika with the Anime club which was amazing and weird. Nice day I guess, this Tuesday pretending to be a Monday

School it has started.

I really do not have anything interesting to say, or so I feel at the moment. Last week classes started, I worked a few hours at work, and was computer-less in theory.

I still checked my email daily and honestly it was refreshing but I know that I need a computer for research and projects that are coming up, so I ordered a new computer, which definitely put me back on some of my SURVIVING JAPAN fund. Which is horrible in its timing to my mind but not to horribly surprising. I am trying very hard to be of the mindset "At least it happened now so I can counter act the monetary loss before I leave. And it could have broke while I was in Japan (which is so much worse of a possibility)."

I am happy, healthy, and pretty much completely prepared for my classes next week. Which in comparison to the usual (pre this summer) me, is pretty amazing as it is only 2pm on Sunday. [Normally I do a panicked attempt at catching up on my weekly readings and MUST DO homework around 6-7pm on Sunday].

How are my loyal readers?

A proud moment

I did not run screaming when I saw him the other day. I feel very very proud of myself. I was sure that is exactly what I would do.

I got parking for my car (with an off campus company)and my computer's motherboard went bad. :(

Long weekend that keeps swinging from good to bad and back again. I am ready for classes to start so I can be busy enough not to worry so much about so many different little things going on. YAY for classes.

A Post on reality

I am leaving for college in three days. Tuesday, Wednesday, leaving Thursdays. Where did my summer go? I don't feel like I have anything physical to show for this summer. It seems to the outside world and sometimes my mind as if its a wasted summer.

Reality has it that somethings have changed on the outside, I have gained back 5 of the pounds I have lost since going to college, the walk is finally edged (It has been since I went to college) the shed is clean, my car is clean (an act of god I know), and I have less acne. <.< Weird thing I know, my dad swears because I am not stressing myself to death anymore.

I gained back my self confidence and my happiness. I first time in the seven years I have known my best friend, fought with her about something. Which on reflection is the oddest thing ever.

I don't know where I was going with this post, other than I was going to get to describing this calm but nervous feeling in my stomach about school this year. I am nervous about it but not really worried about it. A new wonderful feeling, maybe a summer to unwind and place some priority on my own happiness, joy and taking time to de-stress and think through what I say.

A Trippy afternoon with the Murphy's.

Okay, I need to post something, because I told myself I would post regularly on this thing this summer. So I figured I would tell you about my interesting if absurd day I had on Monday.

BUT BEFORE WE BEGIN, here is a random update of my drama.

I can now say, ZACH, now. And I am thinking We (ash and I) have broken up. He lied one too many times, and its over, but we are still talking and he is really good at getting me to forgive him. >_<
Now on to YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULE SHOW:

First, was the car inspection. They told me to come back five times before they saw me, but it cost me 5 bucks cheaper than I thought, so it was very worth it. 2nd came my bi-weekly Moose Peppermint giving. Which turned into the weirdest thing that has happened all summer. In a good way. Firstly, I was later than usual, so MK's mum was home. She is a trip, on a average day, today she was just hilarious to deal with. She introduced me to the town farrier (spelling?) , and some how we started talking about my Cattle showing Career (yes I had a Cattle showing career in High School), and him asking me if I was going to start showing Horses next. He then gave a speech about what a good horse owner MK and her family was (they would be great role models for new horse owners). Her mother then proceeded to talk to me about everything that has went on, and her hunt for a car. Which was very amusing, as she spent thirty minutes arguing (to no one) that four doors were a better choice of car for her personal, the getting my opinion as 'a young person' about different cars. Followed by a discussion about how young my parents are (Your mother is the same age I was when I had MK... yadayada).Very amusing, and sweet.

Then MK's other horse (Buster, yes it was named after the Authur character on PBS) got loose, interestingly enough when her mum was discussing what a mean spirited escape artist this horse was. So I had to help catch him. It was very enlightening experience because I learned to properly put on a halter, the first time, in this adventure.

Then I get back to my house, to my mother who came home from her first day at her new job, giggling like an elementary school girl and gossiping about work and her co-workers. Which was nice but weird. Nice as my mother has not been happy at the last place she worked, to be exact she came crying often enough. Weird because my mother while being short and cute, has a general personality of a bull dog (which is why she is a great safety manager in warehouses), so seeing her all giggly from work was interesting.

Finally, I find out that some people do not have a sense of humor, or the ability to comprehend someone's intended message. Which was interesting, and a bit saddening. I really thought the person was alright until they got angry over a joking comment. I seriously was surprised, I am hoping they are just having a bad day like I was the other day, and taking things the wrong way because of it. But hey I am taking it in stride. My surprise shows that I have begun to meet one of my goals, which is to think the best of people until they prove me wrong. Which if you do not know me, I was one of those people who was, there are the people who know me and likes me, and everyone else hates me, either because they know me or because they hate everyone who they do not know. Horrible attitude to have, I know, which is why I am fixing it.

The Highlight of my day, I re-did my Roleplaying post I lost the other day, and while not perfect it was pretty close. Which is amazing because I thought I was going to get a mere 'Meh' post out!

Now if I can just sleep without having any nightmares that make me scream loud enough to wake my family up, for once this summer, it will be a perfect, not-interesting-enough-to-be-perfect day.

Cold in July.

I realized that it has been a week and I haven't posted an upbeat, I am fine, that mess on Sunday/Saturday was just a weak moment post.

It really wasn't that bad, actually yes it was, but it doesn't seem so mental bad now its over, kind of thing.

But now I have a cold. I hate colds, and I can't breath. But now two days later I can sit up and talk, so I am feeling good at the moment. 

Ash will be back in the states in 4 days. I never thought I would be happy to have someone a mere 6 hours away instead of on the other side of the global, but lo-and-behold it happened.  Mainly because we have such a small window where we can send messages and get them without waiting 24 hours for him to  get it (limited to an hour a day in the middle of the day India time), makes have really difficult discussions. We had  the AGE TALK again on Sunday morning (right after that mess). Apparently he was homesick and hated India, so he started ranting in his email about how the age gap made him nervous because he was worried I thought him immature, and that I was going to be starting my career in a little more than a year, and that he was afraid that I would get caught up in being a 'real' adult that I would forget about him. And it went on. It was so soothing, to know he had these fears welling up in him, after all I had them all the time (most of you have listened to me rant on this a few times each). 

And my room mate thing is messed up again. I have some random chick yet again instead of my chosen room mate. What is up with that?

Grief in Reality

Today was a good day though tonight is terrible. I am sitting at my computer crying, eating saltines and drinking a good cup of strong tea.

Tonight can mainly be described through the quote:

"Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. "

When it states everything, I really do mean everything, even looking at myself in the mirror. That is how the evening of crying began. I was brushing my hair in the mirror, and suddenly I had a flashback, like the ones in movies, to when we dyed my hair a year and a half ago.  I was in his suite's bathroom, we were looking at my hair, and all trying to avoid the 'awful truth' that my hair had not indeed turned a dark purple red, but was just a shade darker. No one, not even my parents, noticed the difference. I relived that happy little moment. 

I came out of it crying. Followed by every good moment we ever had, and the knowledge those good moments are gone. 

I wonder if it was the time when it all went down. It was 11:30-ish, which is when every summer since we meet we talked to each other almost every night. Between 11-ish-1 / 2 am was our time. Despite the fact I had to be up at 6 am for work most days, I stayed up just to have those few moments with him. I was over whelmed with the thought is that why? Did we fall apart because when we were only a few yards away we quit making the time for each other and it is why we feel apart? 

Then it hit. We fell apart because I couldn't hide that I loved him.

"Frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel. Upset because we can't make it right. Sad because I need you day and night. Angry because you won't take my hand. Aggravated because you don't understand. Disappointed because we can't be together, but still I'll love you forever."

Another perfect quote for what was going on. Right there with "Everything you want", some days I wondered back when we fell apart if they wrote it about us. I still can't say his name, I know if I do I'll shatter. Its best to just cry a lot tonight, and pretend it didn't happen tomorrow.

Of course I had to cry silently because as we can only afford to air condition certain rooms and only at night, my sister is sleeping on a mat on my floor.  So yeah, I am blogging about it so tomorrow I remember and so I can let it go. After all I don't think anyone reads this, so its my personal diary of my life.

And drinking tea, licking up crumbs of saltines (I finished my stack), and having Rob Thomas's "Little wonders" playing. Is this heartbreak? If so how do people live like this? How did I fall so much for someone without knowing until I couldn't avoid this? Can you tell me, I can only hope I can tell myself the answer tomorrow, or maybe the next day. 

The last thought in my mind is a flashback to one of our talks, where I said that "I give a year and a day for me and my friends to fix things. And I mean that quite faerly". I am fairly sure that I will love him for a year and a day, in a faery kind of way. And by that I mean forever.

And I am going to have to learn how to live with it. After all this is life after Zach.

Summer blues...

This post is about the difficult times I mentioned in the last post. Its a little bit depressing and straight forward.

I really hate the middle of July. I always get depressed. or maybe just really reflective. Though this year it seems worse that usual, though everyone I know says that my blues are normal this year, both for me (though some say they are less) and they would be in existence for anyone in my situation. I think they mean that as a compliment.

I am jobless. Which is what everyone thinks is the only thing making me sad. Its a big part of it, and I think its actually the central issue of my life at the moment. I feel completely for my newly graduated friends who weren't lucky enough to get jobs.

My fight with MK. Even though we patched things up, it worries me. We have not really ever fought before, and then it was such a serious fight. One about Drinking and Driving. I didn't like the idea of anyone driving after one drink, but Mk was fine with it. She spent most of the dinner taunting me for "being so childish" because I wasn't willing to have just one drink and drive home. I chose not to drink. Was I being childish? And how could we be so close and disagree on such a fundamental idea? I worry how much longer we will even be friends as time and beliefs tear us apart. 

I am not eating. I am eating, but not much and not often. Its too hot. Which I think is adding to everything else.

I am not sleeping. I just can not get to sleep at night, or if I do it is nightmare filled. I have tried tons of stuff to make it easier to sleep, it just is not happening. My mum thinks taking a sleeping pill one night will help. I do not want to tell her, they might help but I am scared to get addicted. I took them a lot last semester when the whole stalker thing went down.  I got another one a while back, I didn't open it and just trashed it.

Which leads to another major part of my depression. HIM, I serious can not even think his name without crying these days, and there is a list of things that if are brought up send me into tears just because they remind me of him. I miss him so much it hurts, and at the same time I hate him. I hate him, I hate the self I was around him (actually I think I hate the person I became in the two years I knew him), though I now doubt he and I were the only ones who created those monsters.  My sister says I have come to the four stage of grief: "Depression." (Reflection/Loneliness) She says is a good thing, because it means I am grieving the loss and I have accepted and realised the depth of our "A great but Terrible" friendship and its end. So it is possible to move on. 

And then there is Ash. He is so painfully wonderful. While thinking of Him, I cry, when I think of Ash I as Mk said, " this goofy cheesy but cute smile on your face. Weird but cute and happy." He is part of the depressing/worrying issue and he is not. I guess I worry about us, and about me. I think I am falling for him, and I know its not permanent, and its long distance. I worry about me liking him because I am griefing. I am afraid what will happen as I change as I come out of grieving to a new, and hopefully an improved Me.  So he might not be depressing but us worries me, and I am not sure how to express it. We have gone so far in the last few months. We talk and some how we have progressed to being really comfortable with each other, we can talk simply about everything, and he frees something in me. Some thing that by allowing me to let out calms me down, makes me realise my actions. Slows down time, or maybe I am feeling less rushed to take action or express myself. I know how much time I have to think and use it wisely, might be a better way to say it. I realised that those that want to listen to me will let me take time to form them and think them through. Those who do not want to listen to me will rush me and it is not worth it to be rushed in action or thoughts. He gives me hope and perspective. He soothes my soul.

My last worry is the summer itself. After all in many ways this is the last summer of my life. Even though I am not graduating next spring. Next summer will be about preparing for the coming storm that is life. Getting my stuff together to apply for graduate School/ Law School if I chose to go that path. Getting my 'stuff' together to apply for jobs during my last semester, or prepping for applying for JET. Which is definitely a possibility still. 

When did my life get complicated? When did I start caring so much? When did I get to this place? I feel lost and am looking for my way to some where I want to be going.

Summer time.

Summer Update time, and kind opening myself up. I started this blog to find my way in the world. I think this blog is going to become about that, including some of the bad stuff.  

Its been a month since my last post. So I figured I would give an update on my life. So far my summer has consisted of trying to better myself.  I spend a lot of time between looking for a job, mediating, reading, and reflecting on myself. Reading my way though the Tao Teh Ching (there are a few different spellings). I think I am looking for a way to deal with this difficult time (I will discuss this in a later post) and looking for a good moral/wisdom compass). 

And of course trying to study Japanese, re-learn all of my vocabulary because its just gone. Though its not working so well, its just not sticking. Unless it matsu, wakaru, kaeru, dekakeru. (which are to wait, to understand, to go back, to go out) Not really, but those are the ones that seem to be really sticking and not fading even if I don't study for a few days. I feel like its a sign. Or maybe its just my subconscious. 

A VERY UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

And You! And YOU! but not to me for today is my birthday!

Actually when I started this post it was indeed not my birthday, but it will be once I finally post it!

So Happy Birthday to me! And My first act as a 21 year old, will not drink my first legal glass of alcohol ( yeah for the drinking age in the US), but to post my first ever video online! I know I am excited!!!

So without  further ado: MY FIRST VIDEO

For those of you incapable of understanding the bamble. Just be happy, you can't. Its mainly about Meghan, tea, my siblings and my lack of job! Its pretty blah stuff.

Summer, what more can I say?

Its summer, classes are done, and summer has come and eaten me.

I have been trying to find a job, but its FAILING. I seriously have applied for 54 jobs so far, and I have heard NOTHING.

I am worried about not having a job, but I am trying to stay CALM. 

I miss my friends and I am starting to wish I had admitted to say in Boone looking for a job. Mainly because I am a bit friendship starved. 

How is everyone's summer? Sean? Tifa? Mary Kate?  Meghan (how is your wedding going, I wish I could go!!!)? Erin? I know you are 'there'! Hope its wonderful.

A Post on reflection.

Today I realized its been a year since I began my new life, since my trip to Japan and Taiwan; and how much everything has changed, how much I have changed. 

I have friends who actually think I can do things, and actual like me. Really like me, not just put up with me because I can be amusing or I will put up with their horrible behavior.

I can have conversations with other people and not feel like they are judging me as stupid or social misfit.

I open my mouth and say what I KNOW, and I don't see everyone looking at me like they think I am lying that I am making things up.

I don't feel like everyone in the world hates me, save a select few. I feel like a few people like me and the rest of the world just doesn't know me. 

I am not afraid of people hating me, and I am okay with being friends with just one person in a group, even if the rest of that group has decided to hate me. I don't care what other people think of me, especially those who hate me, its a waste of energy to hate and a waste of my heart. For hate is love denied.

I have learned not to curl into a ball when people turn on me, because I don't live up to their expectations of who They think I should be. 

I no longer get angry because some one turns out to be different from what I thought they were, somethings what I saw was an illusion I created.  I should be grateful I got to see reality.

I learned that what people say they want is never what they want, and being what they want only makes them hate you and you will hate yourself.

I am learning to not have my life center only on me.

I am learning how to have a real relationship with people based on life, not scheduled times to talk.

I have fear, hope, and understanding for my unknown future. I am willing to face the unknown without a plan b/c I know I can't really make one.

Its amazing how much a year changed me. I am sorry for what I have lost. My first real love, two best friends, a dream, my faith in people I once trusted, are all things I have lost. New friends, a better understanding of my sisters/my family, happiness, faith in myself, believe in the world not just the world as individuals, and lots of little things are what I have gained.

I can only hope the next year coming up will be just as much of a growing experience for me as this year was. I hope for new friends, experiences, ideas, bad poetry, bizarre moments, and lots of laughter. Thank you to everyone who has made this year wonderful.

P.S. to my readers: If some of you don't love me anymore why do you keep 'following me'?

Quick as Ash Curry.

Woot!!!School is almost over!!!! I am happy though sad, I feel like its the end of things despite the fact I will be back in the Fall , then in the Spring I am off to Kansai Gaidai!!!

 

Here is the dinner I just cooked, I wish I could show you pictures I need to get a camera!!!

 

Ash's Quick Curry for 2

Ingredients:

 

6-10 shrimp (large or medium)

1/2 cup onion chopped finely

1/2 cup potato finely chopped (sweet or Yukon is best)

1/2 cup of other veggies

2 cloves of garlic
1 green chilli
¼ tsp salt
¼ tsp turmeric
½ tsp ground cumin
¼ tsp ground coriander
1 tsp tomato purée
¼ tsp garam masala or 1 tsp curry paste

Directions:

Step 1:  Add 3 tablespoons of vegetable oil. Then add the chopped onion, garlic, and potatoes. fry for 2 minutes.

Step 2: Add Shrimp/Chicken and continue to fry for 5 to 6 minutes. The Shrinp/chicken will start to cook, and turn entirely white on the outside.

Step 3: Add veggies and chilli: Stir. Carry on frying gently over a medium heat, until everything is golden brown, which takes 2 to 3 minutes. 

Step 4: Add spices to the pan. Stir well.

Step 5: Add 1 teaspoon of tomato purée, and 1/4 teaspoon of garam masala or curry paste.

Stir, and fold in yogurt  into the mixture.

Step 6: Mix for half a minute more and then serve on RICE!!!!!!

Weird Dreams Take III

I had a dream where I was accidentally involved in an intergalactic space traveling mission to save the crew of a space ship with my friend Josh (remember him, I wonder if he is my cue for strange dreams); which started in my backyard over the summer (for some reason he lived a few miles away not across the state from me during the summer) with a weird message from the crew. Whom, I (the dream me) had meet at an earlier time, but didn't know where time/space traveling  people. Ultimately Josh and I got ourselves to the other side of the galaxy to save their asses, from some insane scientist trying to build a black matter vacuum so they could change the past and rule the planet they were originally from, Nearly die of lack of oxygen and tumbling caused by changes in the gravity of the ship.  Then landing in be in a shipping crate of mangos in Dallas/Ft. Worth airport, half a year later  then when I left, because apparently the navigator of the ship sucks at driving through time and space at the same time. I ultimately get stuck playing the confused/ anesthesia victim, and Josh is thought to be a conspirator to whatever happened but no one has proof since no one can figure out what happened in that six months and neither of us seems to realize we have been gone more than a two days. 
 

 Then a few years later getting this all secretly statement that I can't come with them when they take Josh, off to future to join this crew  because It is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that I die in a certain plane accident. To be exact the plane I am getting on. Do I not get on, nope I do anyways.

*enters other persons back flashes* The reason they know its extremely important that I die then, is they tried to avoid having me die, and paradoxes occurred, where they never existed occurred. *end flashbacks*

Which while I 'official' die in the plane crash off the coast of Japan; I in actuality survive to teach English and math in a small remote island in China; Ultimately affecting the life a boy named Ji-a-n-you. Who would one day be the creator of the NEW International Space Program that leads to the creation of the group the crew, I will ultimately help, came from, by teaching him English, math and a spiritual believe in the idea of Destiny and the need to perserve/protect lives and their time lines. Apparently I was a good teacher.

*flashes to be Josh in HIS present ( basically 5 years after he joins the crew/organization to save the galaxy from time travels and keep peace). He is now the Captain of a different Ship though half the crew has joined his, and he is reflecting on my death and how he wonders what made my death so important. He has a picture of us from the summer that we took with my siblings at the local park, and the annoying (philosophical like mind to the group, even if stupid) tech geek who keeps everything running says something about 'not realizing Captain was a believe in Dan-dan-Simu (my chinese name apparently from my hair?!?), pulling out the 'reverent' photograph of the older me with a group of my students including Ji-A-N-You (pronunciation by the way).

Another weird dream brought to you by MY MIND. ^.^

Studying?!? Oh yeah, I was going to do that...

Today was proof of my inability to follow through with plans.

THE PLAN: Study for my International Economics Midterm a Timed DO as much as you can essay test!! Via studying his 20+ page Study guide (all 30 questions so not bad).

WHAT HAPPENED:

I got my car.
Told my mother about the stalker issue finally
I watched HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON (in theaters)
went grocery shopping
Made a hot Spinach, Mushroom swiss sandwich.
Took a nap
Made Shrimp Vegetable Udon (recipe below)

So Studying hasn't happened and its 7 pm and I think I will go to bed early tonight. Though I might be awesome and go print off the study guide tonight at the PSU.I think I am more annoyed at the idea of having to add money to the stupid card for printing.

So RECIPE: Not really but hey:

Ingredients

• Onions- sliced into thin slices and then cut in half length wise (two servings)
  
• florets Broccoli - two servings worth ( I use frozen)
  
• carrots- sliced thinly (two servings)
• Shrimp - deviened and shelled (two servings)
• Mushrooms- two servings
• Soy sauce- about two/three tablespoons
• Honey - about 1 teaspoon
• Water - about 4 tablespoons
• ginger - to taste
• Udon- One bundle
• oil 
  
  
• One Bowl for mixing
• One pot
• water for boiling
  
• one pan

Instructions: 

1. Mix Soy sauce, ginger, water, and Honey together in bowl. Stir until Honey dissolves.
   
2. Mix in vegetables and Shrimp. Mix under all are covered in mixture
3. Let sit for five minutes. 
4. Separate the mushrooms, broccoli and Shrimp from the root veggies by placing on different sides of the bowl.
5. Start the water in the pan for cooking udon on high. 
   
6. Turn the heat on medium under the pan/skillet that is oiled. 
7. When pan is heated, put in the root vegetables, stirring occasionally for two to three minutes, until they begin to become transparent.
8. Throw in the shrimp, mushrooms, and broccoli. NOT THE SAUCE.
9. At this point, the udon water should be hot. throw in udon, 
   stir both pots occasionally for three minutes.
10. Drain udon. leave in pan.
11. Add Sauce to the stirfry.
12. Once the sauce is being to boil, throw in the udon and until covered.
13. Serve hot and Enjoy!

• 
  

LOVE What is it? (repost)

Original Post was made: 2/27/10

Moments of clarity are rare. At least for me. Moments when all of the things in the universe that affect you swarm into perfect understanding for a split second before turning back into the chaos that surrounds you. That split second gives you magnitudes of knowledge about yourself, the world, and what you see. Three things that are often very different from each other. I had a moment of that, in the middle of a film in a theatre, my best friend's head on my shoulder as we watched actors protray a great man's death.

I Loved her. Truly Loved her. I can begin to understand or explain fully what that knowledge, that moment gave me of what Love was. I know that I would die to spend another second with her,not save her life, just a mere second longer, a mere glimpse of her, and I doubted despite all the years and how different we became and will become, I would ever feel differently. I realized in that second I only Loved four people that way. My friend, my brother, my sister Anna, and my Father. These people despite everything in the world, what they do, what I do, and time itself; I have, and I believe, I will always be willing to die to spend just one more second with them.

I feel like I have wasted time, and lost friendship trying to make that feeling exist for other people. TRying to make myself feel that need, that LOVE, and I couldn't. What worse I believed that I did Love them, truly love them. And I did not. I did not Love them. I felt 'love' yes, that irrational enjoyment of another's company, THE need to be what they need, to have them Love me, but I didn't Love them.

I feel like a horrible person. And the moment is fading fast, and that is all I can say. I am sorry I thought I Loved you, I am terrible sorry. Sorry for losing what we had, sorry for not being able, whatever it is that makes me love you, but not Love you.

And now for something COMPLETELY different...

"Everyone uses each other. Its human nature. Friendship is when on most days you BOTH think you are getting the better deal, and feel like your cheating the other. On bad days you thinks its just fair, or just a little sided against you. And the bad days are few and far between"

Yeah I just quoted myself. Have issues with it? :P

I love my best friends they make everything better, even if they live on the other end of a Continent! ^W^

Mainly by making you give them advice that you need yourself through their problems reminding you who you are, and helping you bounce back.

Understanding is a noun.

Which is the New knowledge of the day # 58. 

God today has been a long, productive in that way that I have nothing to show for it but maybe some new neuron connections in my brain, that I am not going to show you because showing you would kill me.

I have exactly a week until my ISEP application is due. I am pretty much at my wit ends about the schools application stuff because everyone is playing footsie about where my courses go and if they are okay with my schedule. DAMN EVIL ADMINISTRATION AND CHAIR PEOPLE. You can't just go, well this is what you need. Nope you have to sit around and degrade my attempts at doing what you are unwilling to give me help with this paper work, and point out things I missed I DIDN'T KNOW existed until then. Though I don't dislike it, it definitely is worth the effort to fix what they said needed to be fixed and definitely academically better for me to do this, but do they have to use that 'you are so stupid' tone ?

Despite how whiny that paragraph sounds, my busy running getting stuff done day actually made me very happy. I like my room mate though I think we might annoy each other because we are both a lot alike, other than our prefer room temperature (she likes it hot I like it cold, and I feel like this is a bad love R&B song. *music notes float by*)

Classes start Monday Afternoon for me. Yes I said Afternoon, on Monday, Wednesday, Friday my academic day does not start until noon, with my Japanese class. Which I am not sure is good bad or what. Japanese is definitely for me one of those classes I need to warm my brain up a bit before hand. Which on the side, is why I have tripled the amount of Translation work on my 'Why I am studying abroad' essay in the last three hours. Yes I am spending hours translating stuff. Its freaking hard. Lots of work but its kind of fun too. 

Thats really all I have to say. I feel bad, I didn't talk to Ash today. Bet he isn't very happy with me at all.Bye.