LOVE What is it? (repost)

Original Post was made: 2/27/10

Moments of clarity are rare. At least for me. Moments when all of the things in the universe that affect you swarm into perfect understanding for a split second before turning back into the chaos that surrounds you. That split second gives you magnitudes of knowledge about yourself, the world, and what you see. Three things that are often very different from each other. I had a moment of that, in the middle of a film in a theatre, my best friend's head on my shoulder as we watched actors protray a great man's death.

I Loved her. Truly Loved her. I can begin to understand or explain fully what that knowledge, that moment gave me of what Love was. I know that I would die to spend another second with her,not save her life, just a mere second longer, a mere glimpse of her, and I doubted despite all the years and how different we became and will become, I would ever feel differently. I realized in that second I only Loved four people that way. My friend, my brother, my sister Anna, and my Father. These people despite everything in the world, what they do, what I do, and time itself; I have, and I believe, I will always be willing to die to spend just one more second with them.

I feel like I have wasted time, and lost friendship trying to make that feeling exist for other people. TRying to make myself feel that need, that LOVE, and I couldn't. What worse I believed that I did Love them, truly love them. And I did not. I did not Love them. I felt 'love' yes, that irrational enjoyment of another's company, THE need to be what they need, to have them Love me, but I didn't Love them.

I feel like a horrible person. And the moment is fading fast, and that is all I can say. I am sorry I thought I Loved you, I am terrible sorry. Sorry for losing what we had, sorry for not being able, whatever it is that makes me love you, but not Love you.