Grief in Reality

Today was a good day though tonight is terrible. I am sitting at my computer crying, eating saltines and drinking a good cup of strong tea.

Tonight can mainly be described through the quote:

"Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. "

When it states everything, I really do mean everything, even looking at myself in the mirror. That is how the evening of crying began. I was brushing my hair in the mirror, and suddenly I had a flashback, like the ones in movies, to when we dyed my hair a year and a half ago.  I was in his suite's bathroom, we were looking at my hair, and all trying to avoid the 'awful truth' that my hair had not indeed turned a dark purple red, but was just a shade darker. No one, not even my parents, noticed the difference. I relived that happy little moment. 

I came out of it crying. Followed by every good moment we ever had, and the knowledge those good moments are gone. 

I wonder if it was the time when it all went down. It was 11:30-ish, which is when every summer since we meet we talked to each other almost every night. Between 11-ish-1 / 2 am was our time. Despite the fact I had to be up at 6 am for work most days, I stayed up just to have those few moments with him. I was over whelmed with the thought is that why? Did we fall apart because when we were only a few yards away we quit making the time for each other and it is why we feel apart? 

Then it hit. We fell apart because I couldn't hide that I loved him.

"Frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel. Upset because we can't make it right. Sad because I need you day and night. Angry because you won't take my hand. Aggravated because you don't understand. Disappointed because we can't be together, but still I'll love you forever."

Another perfect quote for what was going on. Right there with "Everything you want", some days I wondered back when we fell apart if they wrote it about us. I still can't say his name, I know if I do I'll shatter. Its best to just cry a lot tonight, and pretend it didn't happen tomorrow.

Of course I had to cry silently because as we can only afford to air condition certain rooms and only at night, my sister is sleeping on a mat on my floor.  So yeah, I am blogging about it so tomorrow I remember and so I can let it go. After all I don't think anyone reads this, so its my personal diary of my life.

And drinking tea, licking up crumbs of saltines (I finished my stack), and having Rob Thomas's "Little wonders" playing. Is this heartbreak? If so how do people live like this? How did I fall so much for someone without knowing until I couldn't avoid this? Can you tell me, I can only hope I can tell myself the answer tomorrow, or maybe the next day. 

The last thought in my mind is a flashback to one of our talks, where I said that "I give a year and a day for me and my friends to fix things. And I mean that quite faerly". I am fairly sure that I will love him for a year and a day, in a faery kind of way. And by that I mean forever.

And I am going to have to learn how to live with it. After all this is life after Zach.