I have been outrageously busy the last two weeks or so. I swore to myself that I would write in this blog at least once a week and I am failing. Despite the fact that blogging is actually quite de-stressing and I seem to actually get more done in the days following it.
"what has been going on in my life since I last posted?", My dear reader (who most likely only exist in my head) may ask.
I have taken part in the Lipsync event for homecoming, studied like I should have been but haven't been, reconnecting with old forgot friends, losing some current ones for different reasons, and freaking out about how expense living life is, and trying to figure out what to do with the new me. She is still quite foreign and doesn't seem to fit into my old habits, and doesn't seem to want to fit into the old mold that everyone had for me, which is causing some issues.
Lipsync was amazing I really hope I get a copy of the video of us at semi-finals (which is as far as we got) so all my loyal readers *silently laughs at concept* can see how foolish and happy I was on stage dancing with my peers. It was amazing and I love getting to know and working with people I didn't know well, and doing a pretty good job for a last minute job at a dance routine, with a number of inexperienced dancers.
I have been reconnecting with people I haven't spoken to in ages, both in the sense of since last year, and the sense we were pre-teens last time I saw you, ages. One of them I started to talk to months ago, but I have really started to talk to in the last month, and its so awkward. We quit talking nearly five years ago, because we met up and an extremely awkward moment occurred after that. One that made me afraid to see her again. Despite the fact that I miss her.
I am no longer friends with Anna, and another friend is almost lost. Anna is gone because she isn't there anymore, the Anna I knew and liked. Instead their is the getting high or drunk all the time, dating a man who won't do much of anything for her but by GOD is more important than studying, classes, eating and friends. I just can't forgive that. The other friend nearly lost, though I can't explain why I can't motive myself to save the relationship. Actually I am lying. I can explain it, but honestly if that is so, the relationship can't be saved at all, because it was based on a lie all along and I can't/ won't accept that. The lie can't be fixed and why the lie is there, won't change either. It makes me sad, but I know its the right thing, though it scares me, because I know that fitting the lies, losing this relationship is going to shift so much about my life and its already done so. I am afraid but I don't want to lie anymore and like I said I can't fix it either.
Some days I feel like crying about it, but most days I am just too happy with everything else, and knowing how much better my life is without the poison of that relationship stops me from crying. Though not everyday and not every time do I have dry eyes after thinking about it. My mind and most of my heart knows this is right but a small part wants to save it. Actually I don't think it wants me to save it, it wants the relationship be fixed not salvaged and it knows I can't do that. It needs an act of the universe.
Either way I have decided I have until the first snow have the relationship on the rebound in one form or another or I will bury it with all the other things that have changed and are no more.
In these mountains the first snow comes soon. The first snow comes soon.
