A letter swearing I will write you soon. . .

I have been outrageously busy the last two weeks or so. I swore to myself that I would write in this blog at least once a week and I am failing. Despite the fact that blogging is actually quite de-stressing and I seem to actually get more done in the days following it.

"what has been going on in my life since I last posted?", My dear reader (who most likely only exist in my head) may ask.

I have taken part in the Lipsync event for homecoming, studied like I should have been but haven't been, reconnecting with old forgot friends, losing some current ones for different reasons, and freaking out about how expense living life is, and trying to figure out what to do with the new me. She is still quite foreign and doesn't seem to fit into my old habits, and doesn't seem to want to fit into the old mold that everyone had for me, which is causing some issues.

Lipsync was amazing I really hope I get a copy of the video of us at semi-finals (which is as far as we got) so all my loyal readers *silently laughs at concept* can see how foolish and happy I was on stage dancing with my peers. It was amazing and I love getting to know and working with people I didn't know well, and doing a pretty good job for a last minute job at a dance routine, with a number of inexperienced dancers.

I have been reconnecting with people I haven't spoken to in ages, both in the sense of since last year, and the sense we were pre-teens last time I saw you, ages. One of them I started to talk to months ago, but I have really started to talk to in the last month, and its so awkward. We quit talking nearly five years ago, because we met up and an extremely awkward moment occurred after that. One that made me afraid to see her again. Despite the fact that I miss her.

I am no longer friends with Anna, and another friend is almost lost. Anna is gone because she isn't there anymore, the Anna I knew and liked. Instead their is the getting high or drunk all the time, dating a man who won't do much of anything for her but by GOD is more important than studying, classes, eating and friends. I just can't forgive that. The other friend nearly lost, though I can't explain why I can't motive myself to save the relationship. Actually I am lying. I can explain it, but honestly if that is so, the relationship can't be saved at all, because it was based on a lie all along and I can't/ won't accept that. The lie can't be fixed and why the lie is there, won't change either. It makes me sad, but I know its the right thing, though it scares me, because I know that fitting the lies, losing this relationship is going to shift so much about my life and its already done so. I am afraid but I don't want to lie anymore and like I said I can't fix it either.

Some days I feel like crying about it, but most days I am just too happy with everything else, and knowing how much better my life is without the poison of that relationship stops me from crying. Though not everyday and not every time do I have dry eyes after thinking about it. My mind and most of my heart knows this is right but a small part wants to save it. Actually I don't think it wants me to save it, it wants the relationship be fixed not salvaged and it knows I can't do that. It needs an act of the universe.

Either way I have decided I have until the first snow have the relationship on the rebound in one form or another or I will bury it with all the other things that have changed and are no more.

In these mountains the first snow comes soon. The first snow comes soon.

Oh Akido makes my life happy.

What a Week! Its been purely a mad house week until today, I feel the week slowing down and taking a breath giving me a chance to take a breath also.
what has been going on you may ask?

Rain, sickness, and tests. Three things that in small measures and separate aren't necessarily bad. Together in large amounts are quite terrifying and down right painful. As I mentioned two times post ago, I was not going to aikido because I had sprained my wrist and upset my knee. Well, on Thursday I got a nasty cold, had a test on Friday in Economics (I got at 85 :( ) and a quiz in Japanese I wasn't really prepared for because I hadn't felt good (got a 90 anyways though), on Saturday I was feeling better and made some curry that didn't turn out very good. I Don't know what I did wrong. Then on Sunday the Cold had come back with avenge! And so passed in a Nightmare-ish sleepy haze Sunday and Monday. Tuesday I was feeling a bit better but today was the first day I was feeling semi- myself like.

I feel really bad for missing one of my friends first presentations as a President of the Japanese culture club, interestingly enough he didn't talk about his failure in his normal smug trying to hide that 'I felt embarrassed by my work not being what I felt it should be', instead he sounded resigned to his failure, no cheery I will do better next time. Which is scary and interesting all at the same time. Though I have noticed that he is mellowing out a lot this semester compared to last year. which might be good for him, the stress was really upsetting him last year.

I went to aikido via walking, and finally met the Sensei of the club. He is so cool especially for a middle aged doctor. The way he teaches makes more sense to me, though I am beginning to see I look at aikido very differently from most of the other members of the club. I am starting off where most of them don't get until they get their first belt, mentally. I think of aikido as a way to be aggressive, I view this as a way to mentally and physically stable. That's what I came to the Aikido club looking for. I must also point out most of my fellow club members are guys, most larger guys going into some form of law enforcement or began Aikido as a class to meet graduation requirements and decided to continue on.

Observation about Boone:
1) It rained / stayed cloudy nearly two and half weeks straight. People had a look of disbelieve on their faces when they saw the sun today. Its quite funny.
2) I have become a normal face around town walking. Lots of people wave and smile at me these days when I go by, and my fellow walkers get that knowing grin on their face. It makes me happy.
3)Football seems to be losing its strong hold in Boone this year. Lots of freshman are choosing not to go to games this year just because they don't want to have to deal with the awful crowds and the drunk fans.
4) Boone seems so comfy this year. when I drove back this fall I was so happy my parents weren't in the car with me so they didn't see me cry when I arrived back. I missed it so much. I am scared/ sad at the idea of spending a semester or even a year away from here so I can get my study abroad requirements.

Its 10 pm I have my final test of the the week tomorrow at 12:30 its in Business law so it will be easy, but I still need a shower (I smell horrible) and I want to practice my newly learned breathing techniques before I go to bed.

Night beautiful world. Good night and have good dreams.

Gingered beef makes the world better.

Well, I am finally getting back into the norm, and fixing two or more of my meals a day for myself, and this semester I seem to be capable of doing that without spending much 'real' money (money not on my meal card, I actually have to have cash.

I am currently eating gingered beef over rice, it makes me happy and I had a vegetarian onokoyaki for breakfast. Vegetables and rice make me happy!

I have test all next week and for the first time I didn't even hesitate on my Japanese Quiz for sensei, I was so quick I forgot she gave us a key (A. take medicine match to what vocabulary?) and just wrote down the right answer without question.

I love my new major, though I really need to be motivated to study for my finance test next week, its so easy but its math and needs it respect or it will bit you.

Sunday is not a day of rest.

I am suppose to be doing my Homework but instead I am posting to my empty blog.

Life is changing I feel it, and by bob, I am nervous. Every time I think about it all I feel my stomach twist into knots.

I don't know why, but its only since school has started that I feel like 'YES I am an international business student!' I have been saying it with my lips but my mind has just now decided to believe it. It makes me happy and nervous. I don't have a plan but I think its okay, it will work out, I just need to work hard, enjoy it all, and every thing will be fine. I never felt that way about Geology, it worried me to death ever minute of everyday if I even thought about it, even though I had a plan, and I hated it. When I think about my major, all I see is the hard but interesting work that it will be. I don't wish I wasn't thinking about it. Though I am avoiding doing my homework in the way that everyone does until they actually start working on it.

In other news, my friend, Sean, began his semester at Kansai Gaidai in Osaka, Japan. He seems to love it, though I miss him so much, and I am afraid of what will happen when he comes back. Some of my other friends came back this semester from going their own ways from the school, and things are so different. I can not tell if its that they change so much or if it all me, but things are the same, I don't care as much about them personality wise anymore, some days they down right annoy me, and I get the feeling that they don't like me much anymore.

I am happy that I am growing, but for the first time in my life I feel a bit of sadness because we are growing apart and we can't stop it, and I know one day I will wake up and no there is nothing between us but memories.

I like my room mate, We don't have much in common, but we seem to get along personality wise, and we don't spend too much time together but we can talk when we need to or want to, which is way better than my last two room mates.

I am starting to go to the Aikido club, though last week was a failure, because I strained my wrist, so I could not go. I feel bad but honestly I was feeling horrible.
I have been trying to work on my personality, mainly by taking more interest in the people around me. Not doing so good, though I have come up with a chant that I have been randomly saying in my head when I realize I am not being the person I want to be. Which I am putting in below.

I need to start my homework, now, I feel happy and I have posted for the first time in months, I will try to post every week from now on, I apologize for not doing so this summer to any of my readers who have been waiting.

The chant of mine, supposedly its famous, but I just like it for what it says, all I know is the terms in it are Japanese:

I have no parents; I make the heavens and the earth my parents,

I have no home; I make 'saika tanden' (abdominal region) my home.

I have no divine power; I make honesty my divine power.
I have no means; I make docility my means.
I have no magic power; I make personality my magic power.
I have neither life nor death; I make 'a um' (art of regulating one's breath) my life and death.

I have no body; I make stoicism my body.
I have no eyes; I make the flash of lightening my eyes.
I have no ears; I make sensibility my ears.
I have no limbs; I make promptitude my limbs.
I have no laws; I make self - protection my laws.
I have no strategy; I make 'sakkatsu jizai' (free to kill and free to restore life) my strategy.
I have no designs; I make 'kisan' (taking opportunity by the forelock ) my designs.
I have no miracles; I make righteous laws my miracles.
I have no principles; I make 'rinkiohen' (adaptability to all circumstances my principles.
I have no tactic; I make 'kyojitsu' (emptiness and fullness) my tactics.
I have no talent; I make 'toi skumyo' (ready wit) my talent.
I have no friends; I make my mind my friend.
I have no enemy; I make incautiousness my enemy.
I have no armor; I make 'jin-gi' (benevolence and righteousness) my armor.
I have no castle; I make ' fudoshin' (immovable mind) my castle.
I have no sword; I make 'mushin' (absence of mind) my sword

Random Onokonmiyaki

I want Okonomiyaki.

I have cabbage, I have flour, eggs, I have giner, I just need to make it in the morning for breakfast. *nods to self*

I need to go to sleep.

There was a point to this post, I just forgot what it was when I looked at the page.

And the race begins

Well, school started last week, on Tuesday, its been a fun week, though I don't really want to talk about why it was so fun. It just makes me out to be a bad person. The race against time to get myself papered for my hopeful study abroad has began as the school year began. Hopefully next Fall at this time I will be half way across the globe once again in Japan this time more likely not in Tokyo, possible in Osaka or Nagoya.

I have my Three choices (you have to have three for the exchange program I am going through). Nazan, Kansai Gaidai and Ritsumeikan . Two are in Nagoya and one in Osaka.

Now I need to decide which one I want to have has my first and second; Ritsumeikan being my third. I don't care for its program very much, at all. I like my ability to choose some of my language courses at Nazan (you have eight hours of required standard hours, and then you can choose your other 6 to 10 hours, including more indept language study classes focusing in an area). Though I know from people who have went about Kansai Gaidai and its programs.

Because once in a while a short post is good.

This evening while drinking a chocolate milkshake at what could very well be called my farewell party, I had a profound realization:

This summer with all its interesting moments has been the best summer of my life.
And a small bit of me that sometimes thinks it just knows stuff, thinks this is going to be the best summer of my entire life, period.