HAVE YOU EVER. . .

had the urge to do something stupid? Something that you head knows, is just dumb, pointless, valueless and actually wrong? I am having one of those moments. I feel like trying to talk to people, I hate the avoid eye contact thing, I feel almost tempted to apologize and then I realize I have nothing to apologize for. I did nothing wrong, well nothing I should have to apologize for, not to them.

All I did wrong, is ignore rumors that people, your friends, were saying things horrible things about you, that they were indeed saying because I was completely sure they were lies.  How are you suppose to know that friends are saying horrible things about you, when you aren't talking to them, because you have a problem?!? Seriously. I just don't get it. She is a bitch, I know, one of the things about her that I love, but She my bitch and she bitches at me about me, not to anyone else. Its the basics of the friendship: she is way too honest with me, I am way too honest with her and annoyingly social and force her to be so, too.  She said she would not let things fall apart that she would hunt my ass down if necessary, she promised. She lied.  I think that is what is hurting the most, is she promised and I believe her.  I don't believe people when they promise things, its part of who I am: no one, I repeat no one is trustworthy.

I realized two major things about my relationships with other human beings, only one I am willing to discuss here:

 I become Alpha is most/all relationships whether or not I realize this or not. Somewhere along the line it happens. Its my place to fix things, to yell, to scream, go the extra mile, etc for things to work. Once I fail to meet their needs/wants as Alpha no one will go even an extra step out of their way for me.

For the last thirty minutes while I have been mulling over this little write up, I have been trying to think of why I am writing this up? Why Do I need to do this? what is motivating me?

I know some of this is because I felt horrible for being at the potluck and I hate it, I have a right to be there as much as they do, especially since Dr. Hellenbrand is not letting me quit. But I know this isn't about that, I know it just the final motivator. I think its because I am being paranoid, I sit around every day trying to figure out how my behavior is going to be read, I am terrified that my un-thought through behaviors are going to be perceived as being more than the spontaneous actions of a spaz, trying to get by in a world of insanity. Though I know that is not it either.

All I can come up with is I feel alone, betrayed and I want to sort out everything so I can throw it to the win, because it not worth the energy to remember and I don't want it to tint all the happy memories, and ruin the happy ones I can have with other people around me. I don't want to burden people with my problems, the real ones at least,  because they have their own problems. 

My roommate and her boyfriend are having a hard time adjusting to dating in college; my roommate is having a fight with her mother because she realized she doesn't like psychology and that she wants to be a vet, which is actually interested in and has been for years (done internships , volunteering, etc); my sister is being worried about college, my mum is trying to survive her new job and managing the holidays (which is impossible);various friends are having their own personal life crisisi from fighting their depression, trying to find jobs since they are graduating, their families are moving cross country;  My fish, Kei has to be sick of me crying at him; and Gabriel is dead. 

So I feel alone, and useless, with little to no comfort in the situation getting any better. I just want some one to tell me how to quit caring, after all, every time a relationship has went down the loo, I was happy to see it go. Though I am happy the drama is done, I have cried tears of joy over that, it doesn't stop me from worrying. Is __ sleeping enough? How are __ grades? Do they have food, its the end of the semester? I don't know how to deal with this.

Though one bit of happy news, well two, and maybe just maybe this is the real problem: My mum said she will support me if I decided to go to Law school after college, and there was no one to glomp.  The reason I feel so sad today, is I have no one to share the happy moments of my life with.

So, I can now openly talk to my mother about my Law school ideas, how that changes some of the international business classes I want, and can openly study the LSAT at home. I am excited!!!! Even though I really thought I would never go down the lawyer path here I am heading towards the possibility, its not final so don't get all worked up if you think its wrong for me, I am just feeling it out, as another option beyond JET, going to work, getting an MBA and now, going to Law school. While currently I feel friendless, well minus Amy (my boss not the stalker); my career life, and my education is really taking off. Let's see if I can keep this side of things up.

So: Have you ever had no one to share the happy moments with?

PS -> I really like the travel quote of the day so I want to keep it so I am tacking it here

One of the essential skills for a traveler is the ability to make a rather extravagant fool of oneself.”
~ John Flinn

P.S.S. I figured it out, after I went to sleep for the night, I was writing this up more or less because I needed to vent and my room mate needed to study for her Biology exam today (which was tomorrow when I wrote this) and I knew she would feel the need to talk about it instead of studying. 

^.^ This makes me feel better, and a bit stupid because I didn't realize it then. @-@

A little reminder of the boring side of my life.

basically I need to have this somewhere were I will be able to easily reach it/ constantly remind me of my social responsibility to follow it.

Thursday-> Fried egg, cheese and asparagus on Rice.

Friday -> Fried rice; (Egg, bacon, peas, carrots) {two serving made}

Saturday _ Lunch-> Second serving of  Fried rice

Saturday_Dinner-> Spaghetti with tomato sauce and (possible steak){made two servings}

Sunday_Lunch -> Ramen with poached egg and peas {this seemed to disgust Sean that I ate these as a meal. XD}

Sunday_Dinner -> More Spaghetti with Tomato sauce

Monday-> Soba with Broccoli and Steak.

Tuesday-> on the road Home (yes I can finally say it and mean it, go me)

So yeah, my dinner/lunch plans for the next almost week. Sweet.

Because some interesting topics are for 11 year olds.

I wanted my readers to note, that I have yet  another wonderfully interesting dream post in my other blog that you might want to read, but due to its more adult topics I didn't want it here as my siblings (of tender age) do occasional get on here. 

Please head here for this post.

I also wish to point out the humor than blogger/blogspot.com's spell check does not believe that blog is a word. Lol

Clarity found.

Ever had a Question that reminded you why you do what you do? I had one of those today.

It was: "If you only an year to live, what would you do?" Cliche no? But it helped me let things clear in my mind.

''I would live my life. Sounds kind of silly but honestly for me life is freaking amazing and insane, I might add a few things to the list of things I have done, like maybe get a tattoo after all I don't have to try to get a job with it, I would try to get back to japan (which I am hoping to do in a year anyway). This is my dream, going to college, getting a degree I WANT, and living my life with what I have and never lying to myself.''



Thanks world for remembering me, and helping me through dark days. I needed it.

Because the drama should stay to the drama Blog not the good one.

all the drama blog post will be hereby moved to my secondary blog please head there for these posts. Thank you

more unfinished poetry from the summer

In the darkness
I sit and watch the stars,
that dare to out shine civilization
Bright dots among the navy velvet
with the peace rose of the city's light
enveloping the edges like a blanket
meant to hide me
protect me from the darkness
Am I still a child?
afraid of the dark night
afraid of the monster that life is
I listen to the murmur of the city
tires rhymic thump - ump
across the uneven pavement
the low voices of people
walking by, talking to someone 
so terrible far way from them,
their shoes clattering on the cement
and a thousand other sounds,
that should rock me to sleep
but I still am a wake
my mind still races.
I wonder I am still a child?

And now for a change in pace, old poetry brought to light.

I found some "old" poetry of mine from this summer/ last semester (not sure which), and though hey, I haven't posted lately and it fits all that is going on.

Poem 1
Today, you called me.
You voice was its normal friendly self too bad you weren't.
You asked ever so sweetly for me
to explain the greatest of mysteries
you sought me to teach you the secrets
that plague every mind since time began.
Did you ask me for the purpose
to all the beautiful things that the universe has?
Did you ask what began this amazing cycle of life?
No, these you didn't ask me so sweetly
that I could almost forget how far you were
You didn't ask about Death who's voice calls us all
You asked me to explain something I have never seen.
You asked me to know what I can never know.
That voice that tastes of honey,
asked me for the keys to another's heart

What was I to say?
That there is no keys at all,
there is merely a window to peer in?
And you can't even peer into mine,
so clearly laying before you.