HAVE YOU EVER. . .

had the urge to do something stupid? Something that you head knows, is just dumb, pointless, valueless and actually wrong? I am having one of those moments. I feel like trying to talk to people, I hate the avoid eye contact thing, I feel almost tempted to apologize and then I realize I have nothing to apologize for. I did nothing wrong, well nothing I should have to apologize for, not to them.

All I did wrong, is ignore rumors that people, your friends, were saying things horrible things about you, that they were indeed saying because I was completely sure they were lies.  How are you suppose to know that friends are saying horrible things about you, when you aren't talking to them, because you have a problem?!? Seriously. I just don't get it. She is a bitch, I know, one of the things about her that I love, but She my bitch and she bitches at me about me, not to anyone else. Its the basics of the friendship: she is way too honest with me, I am way too honest with her and annoyingly social and force her to be so, too.  She said she would not let things fall apart that she would hunt my ass down if necessary, she promised. She lied.  I think that is what is hurting the most, is she promised and I believe her.  I don't believe people when they promise things, its part of who I am: no one, I repeat no one is trustworthy.

I realized two major things about my relationships with other human beings, only one I am willing to discuss here:

 I become Alpha is most/all relationships whether or not I realize this or not. Somewhere along the line it happens. Its my place to fix things, to yell, to scream, go the extra mile, etc for things to work. Once I fail to meet their needs/wants as Alpha no one will go even an extra step out of their way for me.

For the last thirty minutes while I have been mulling over this little write up, I have been trying to think of why I am writing this up? Why Do I need to do this? what is motivating me?

I know some of this is because I felt horrible for being at the potluck and I hate it, I have a right to be there as much as they do, especially since Dr. Hellenbrand is not letting me quit. But I know this isn't about that, I know it just the final motivator. I think its because I am being paranoid, I sit around every day trying to figure out how my behavior is going to be read, I am terrified that my un-thought through behaviors are going to be perceived as being more than the spontaneous actions of a spaz, trying to get by in a world of insanity. Though I know that is not it either.

All I can come up with is I feel alone, betrayed and I want to sort out everything so I can throw it to the win, because it not worth the energy to remember and I don't want it to tint all the happy memories, and ruin the happy ones I can have with other people around me. I don't want to burden people with my problems, the real ones at least,  because they have their own problems. 

My roommate and her boyfriend are having a hard time adjusting to dating in college; my roommate is having a fight with her mother because she realized she doesn't like psychology and that she wants to be a vet, which is actually interested in and has been for years (done internships , volunteering, etc); my sister is being worried about college, my mum is trying to survive her new job and managing the holidays (which is impossible);various friends are having their own personal life crisisi from fighting their depression, trying to find jobs since they are graduating, their families are moving cross country;  My fish, Kei has to be sick of me crying at him; and Gabriel is dead. 

So I feel alone, and useless, with little to no comfort in the situation getting any better. I just want some one to tell me how to quit caring, after all, every time a relationship has went down the loo, I was happy to see it go. Though I am happy the drama is done, I have cried tears of joy over that, it doesn't stop me from worrying. Is __ sleeping enough? How are __ grades? Do they have food, its the end of the semester? I don't know how to deal with this.

Though one bit of happy news, well two, and maybe just maybe this is the real problem: My mum said she will support me if I decided to go to Law school after college, and there was no one to glomp.  The reason I feel so sad today, is I have no one to share the happy moments of my life with.

So, I can now openly talk to my mother about my Law school ideas, how that changes some of the international business classes I want, and can openly study the LSAT at home. I am excited!!!! Even though I really thought I would never go down the lawyer path here I am heading towards the possibility, its not final so don't get all worked up if you think its wrong for me, I am just feeling it out, as another option beyond JET, going to work, getting an MBA and now, going to Law school. While currently I feel friendless, well minus Amy (my boss not the stalker); my career life, and my education is really taking off. Let's see if I can keep this side of things up.

So: Have you ever had no one to share the happy moments with?

PS -> I really like the travel quote of the day so I want to keep it so I am tacking it here

One of the essential skills for a traveler is the ability to make a rather extravagant fool of oneself.”
~ John Flinn

P.S.S. I figured it out, after I went to sleep for the night, I was writing this up more or less because I needed to vent and my room mate needed to study for her Biology exam today (which was tomorrow when I wrote this) and I knew she would feel the need to talk about it instead of studying. 

^.^ This makes me feel better, and a bit stupid because I didn't realize it then. @-@