A Trippy afternoon with the Murphy's.

Okay, I need to post something, because I told myself I would post regularly on this thing this summer. So I figured I would tell you about my interesting if absurd day I had on Monday.

BUT BEFORE WE BEGIN, here is a random update of my drama.

I can now say, ZACH, now. And I am thinking We (ash and I) have broken up. He lied one too many times, and its over, but we are still talking and he is really good at getting me to forgive him. >_<
Now on to YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULE SHOW:

First, was the car inspection. They told me to come back five times before they saw me, but it cost me 5 bucks cheaper than I thought, so it was very worth it. 2nd came my bi-weekly Moose Peppermint giving. Which turned into the weirdest thing that has happened all summer. In a good way. Firstly, I was later than usual, so MK's mum was home. She is a trip, on a average day, today she was just hilarious to deal with. She introduced me to the town farrier (spelling?) , and some how we started talking about my Cattle showing Career (yes I had a Cattle showing career in High School), and him asking me if I was going to start showing Horses next. He then gave a speech about what a good horse owner MK and her family was (they would be great role models for new horse owners). Her mother then proceeded to talk to me about everything that has went on, and her hunt for a car. Which was very amusing, as she spent thirty minutes arguing (to no one) that four doors were a better choice of car for her personal, the getting my opinion as 'a young person' about different cars. Followed by a discussion about how young my parents are (Your mother is the same age I was when I had MK... yadayada).Very amusing, and sweet.

Then MK's other horse (Buster, yes it was named after the Authur character on PBS) got loose, interestingly enough when her mum was discussing what a mean spirited escape artist this horse was. So I had to help catch him. It was very enlightening experience because I learned to properly put on a halter, the first time, in this adventure.

Then I get back to my house, to my mother who came home from her first day at her new job, giggling like an elementary school girl and gossiping about work and her co-workers. Which was nice but weird. Nice as my mother has not been happy at the last place she worked, to be exact she came crying often enough. Weird because my mother while being short and cute, has a general personality of a bull dog (which is why she is a great safety manager in warehouses), so seeing her all giggly from work was interesting.

Finally, I find out that some people do not have a sense of humor, or the ability to comprehend someone's intended message. Which was interesting, and a bit saddening. I really thought the person was alright until they got angry over a joking comment. I seriously was surprised, I am hoping they are just having a bad day like I was the other day, and taking things the wrong way because of it. But hey I am taking it in stride. My surprise shows that I have begun to meet one of my goals, which is to think the best of people until they prove me wrong. Which if you do not know me, I was one of those people who was, there are the people who know me and likes me, and everyone else hates me, either because they know me or because they hate everyone who they do not know. Horrible attitude to have, I know, which is why I am fixing it.

The Highlight of my day, I re-did my Roleplaying post I lost the other day, and while not perfect it was pretty close. Which is amazing because I thought I was going to get a mere 'Meh' post out!

Now if I can just sleep without having any nightmares that make me scream loud enough to wake my family up, for once this summer, it will be a perfect, not-interesting-enough-to-be-perfect day.

Cold in July.

I realized that it has been a week and I haven't posted an upbeat, I am fine, that mess on Sunday/Saturday was just a weak moment post.

It really wasn't that bad, actually yes it was, but it doesn't seem so mental bad now its over, kind of thing.

But now I have a cold. I hate colds, and I can't breath. But now two days later I can sit up and talk, so I am feeling good at the moment. 

Ash will be back in the states in 4 days. I never thought I would be happy to have someone a mere 6 hours away instead of on the other side of the global, but lo-and-behold it happened.  Mainly because we have such a small window where we can send messages and get them without waiting 24 hours for him to  get it (limited to an hour a day in the middle of the day India time), makes have really difficult discussions. We had  the AGE TALK again on Sunday morning (right after that mess). Apparently he was homesick and hated India, so he started ranting in his email about how the age gap made him nervous because he was worried I thought him immature, and that I was going to be starting my career in a little more than a year, and that he was afraid that I would get caught up in being a 'real' adult that I would forget about him. And it went on. It was so soothing, to know he had these fears welling up in him, after all I had them all the time (most of you have listened to me rant on this a few times each). 

And my room mate thing is messed up again. I have some random chick yet again instead of my chosen room mate. What is up with that?

Grief in Reality

Today was a good day though tonight is terrible. I am sitting at my computer crying, eating saltines and drinking a good cup of strong tea.

Tonight can mainly be described through the quote:

"Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. "

When it states everything, I really do mean everything, even looking at myself in the mirror. That is how the evening of crying began. I was brushing my hair in the mirror, and suddenly I had a flashback, like the ones in movies, to when we dyed my hair a year and a half ago.  I was in his suite's bathroom, we were looking at my hair, and all trying to avoid the 'awful truth' that my hair had not indeed turned a dark purple red, but was just a shade darker. No one, not even my parents, noticed the difference. I relived that happy little moment. 

I came out of it crying. Followed by every good moment we ever had, and the knowledge those good moments are gone. 

I wonder if it was the time when it all went down. It was 11:30-ish, which is when every summer since we meet we talked to each other almost every night. Between 11-ish-1 / 2 am was our time. Despite the fact I had to be up at 6 am for work most days, I stayed up just to have those few moments with him. I was over whelmed with the thought is that why? Did we fall apart because when we were only a few yards away we quit making the time for each other and it is why we feel apart? 

Then it hit. We fell apart because I couldn't hide that I loved him.

"Frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel. Upset because we can't make it right. Sad because I need you day and night. Angry because you won't take my hand. Aggravated because you don't understand. Disappointed because we can't be together, but still I'll love you forever."

Another perfect quote for what was going on. Right there with "Everything you want", some days I wondered back when we fell apart if they wrote it about us. I still can't say his name, I know if I do I'll shatter. Its best to just cry a lot tonight, and pretend it didn't happen tomorrow.

Of course I had to cry silently because as we can only afford to air condition certain rooms and only at night, my sister is sleeping on a mat on my floor.  So yeah, I am blogging about it so tomorrow I remember and so I can let it go. After all I don't think anyone reads this, so its my personal diary of my life.

And drinking tea, licking up crumbs of saltines (I finished my stack), and having Rob Thomas's "Little wonders" playing. Is this heartbreak? If so how do people live like this? How did I fall so much for someone without knowing until I couldn't avoid this? Can you tell me, I can only hope I can tell myself the answer tomorrow, or maybe the next day. 

The last thought in my mind is a flashback to one of our talks, where I said that "I give a year and a day for me and my friends to fix things. And I mean that quite faerly". I am fairly sure that I will love him for a year and a day, in a faery kind of way. And by that I mean forever.

And I am going to have to learn how to live with it. After all this is life after Zach.

Summer blues...

This post is about the difficult times I mentioned in the last post. Its a little bit depressing and straight forward.

I really hate the middle of July. I always get depressed. or maybe just really reflective. Though this year it seems worse that usual, though everyone I know says that my blues are normal this year, both for me (though some say they are less) and they would be in existence for anyone in my situation. I think they mean that as a compliment.

I am jobless. Which is what everyone thinks is the only thing making me sad. Its a big part of it, and I think its actually the central issue of my life at the moment. I feel completely for my newly graduated friends who weren't lucky enough to get jobs.

My fight with MK. Even though we patched things up, it worries me. We have not really ever fought before, and then it was such a serious fight. One about Drinking and Driving. I didn't like the idea of anyone driving after one drink, but Mk was fine with it. She spent most of the dinner taunting me for "being so childish" because I wasn't willing to have just one drink and drive home. I chose not to drink. Was I being childish? And how could we be so close and disagree on such a fundamental idea? I worry how much longer we will even be friends as time and beliefs tear us apart. 

I am not eating. I am eating, but not much and not often. Its too hot. Which I think is adding to everything else.

I am not sleeping. I just can not get to sleep at night, or if I do it is nightmare filled. I have tried tons of stuff to make it easier to sleep, it just is not happening. My mum thinks taking a sleeping pill one night will help. I do not want to tell her, they might help but I am scared to get addicted. I took them a lot last semester when the whole stalker thing went down.  I got another one a while back, I didn't open it and just trashed it.

Which leads to another major part of my depression. HIM, I serious can not even think his name without crying these days, and there is a list of things that if are brought up send me into tears just because they remind me of him. I miss him so much it hurts, and at the same time I hate him. I hate him, I hate the self I was around him (actually I think I hate the person I became in the two years I knew him), though I now doubt he and I were the only ones who created those monsters.  My sister says I have come to the four stage of grief: "Depression." (Reflection/Loneliness) She says is a good thing, because it means I am grieving the loss and I have accepted and realised the depth of our "A great but Terrible" friendship and its end. So it is possible to move on. 

And then there is Ash. He is so painfully wonderful. While thinking of Him, I cry, when I think of Ash I as Mk said, " this goofy cheesy but cute smile on your face. Weird but cute and happy." He is part of the depressing/worrying issue and he is not. I guess I worry about us, and about me. I think I am falling for him, and I know its not permanent, and its long distance. I worry about me liking him because I am griefing. I am afraid what will happen as I change as I come out of grieving to a new, and hopefully an improved Me.  So he might not be depressing but us worries me, and I am not sure how to express it. We have gone so far in the last few months. We talk and some how we have progressed to being really comfortable with each other, we can talk simply about everything, and he frees something in me. Some thing that by allowing me to let out calms me down, makes me realise my actions. Slows down time, or maybe I am feeling less rushed to take action or express myself. I know how much time I have to think and use it wisely, might be a better way to say it. I realised that those that want to listen to me will let me take time to form them and think them through. Those who do not want to listen to me will rush me and it is not worth it to be rushed in action or thoughts. He gives me hope and perspective. He soothes my soul.

My last worry is the summer itself. After all in many ways this is the last summer of my life. Even though I am not graduating next spring. Next summer will be about preparing for the coming storm that is life. Getting my stuff together to apply for graduate School/ Law School if I chose to go that path. Getting my 'stuff' together to apply for jobs during my last semester, or prepping for applying for JET. Which is definitely a possibility still. 

When did my life get complicated? When did I start caring so much? When did I get to this place? I feel lost and am looking for my way to some where I want to be going.

Summer time.

Summer Update time, and kind opening myself up. I started this blog to find my way in the world. I think this blog is going to become about that, including some of the bad stuff.  

Its been a month since my last post. So I figured I would give an update on my life. So far my summer has consisted of trying to better myself.  I spend a lot of time between looking for a job, mediating, reading, and reflecting on myself. Reading my way though the Tao Teh Ching (there are a few different spellings). I think I am looking for a way to deal with this difficult time (I will discuss this in a later post) and looking for a good moral/wisdom compass). 

And of course trying to study Japanese, re-learn all of my vocabulary because its just gone. Though its not working so well, its just not sticking. Unless it matsu, wakaru, kaeru, dekakeru. (which are to wait, to understand, to go back, to go out) Not really, but those are the ones that seem to be really sticking and not fading even if I don't study for a few days. I feel like its a sign. Or maybe its just my subconscious. 

A VERY UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

And You! And YOU! but not to me for today is my birthday!

Actually when I started this post it was indeed not my birthday, but it will be once I finally post it!

So Happy Birthday to me! And My first act as a 21 year old, will not drink my first legal glass of alcohol ( yeah for the drinking age in the US), but to post my first ever video online! I know I am excited!!!

So without  further ado: MY FIRST VIDEO

For those of you incapable of understanding the bamble. Just be happy, you can't. Its mainly about Meghan, tea, my siblings and my lack of job! Its pretty blah stuff.

Summer, what more can I say?

Its summer, classes are done, and summer has come and eaten me.

I have been trying to find a job, but its FAILING. I seriously have applied for 54 jobs so far, and I have heard NOTHING.

I am worried about not having a job, but I am trying to stay CALM. 

I miss my friends and I am starting to wish I had admitted to say in Boone looking for a job. Mainly because I am a bit friendship starved. 

How is everyone's summer? Sean? Tifa? Mary Kate?  Meghan (how is your wedding going, I wish I could go!!!)? Erin? I know you are 'there'! Hope its wonderful.