here is my College kid version of Zuppa di Tuscana:

Ingredients:

1/4 lb. HOT loose Breakfast sausage (the hot is more italian-y and hot is good)
1 large (ish) potato, cubed about 1"/ 2.5cm
1/4 lb of Kale (de-veined, and chopped roughly)
1 Average size Onion (yellow, sweet, preferable) chopped medium fine
2 gloves, or 1 teaspoon of garlic powder
1 carrot, medium chopped or thin rounds
1 tablespoon of fatty-oily ness (I used butter)
Crushed red pepper (to taste)
Black pepper (to taste)
3 cup water
1/2 half and half or Heavy cream (whichever is cheaper/you have)


Directions:

1. Throw your onions, garlic, and Oil/butter into the pot you plan to use to cook the soup on medium. Carmelized/softened.
2. Add the sausage, carrots, and your peppers. Brown the sausage. (takes about 5 minutes)
3. Throw in your potatoes, and cook a little to get some browning.
4. Add your water, and let boil cook for 5-8 minutes (for me) until the potatoes fall off a fork.
5. Bring it down to a simmer.
6. Add Kale, let cook for about 2 minutes.
7. Add Cream, and let simmer for about 3 minutes.
8. Serve warm.

Doria

Yesterday I made Zuppa Tuscana, and today I have another dish for you. DORIA.



Doria is essentially, a rice Au gratin like dish. It is served many different ways with different ingredients. But it has two main essential parts, rice and white sauce. The recipe I am using (and made up based on lots of others) is a shrimp, mushroom and veggie with a red sauce version.

For you whom have never been to Japan, you should know that Doria is the quintessential Japanese-ified Italian/French Food, almost the same as Pizza is to America. Italian or French, that is the big question with Doria, as I was explained to by a few of my Japanese friends. Some said it was a bastardization of the Au gratin with rice and therefore French, and other said it was actual an Italian Dish. An the restaurants of Japan was no help in this question either, as Family Restaurants, three French restaurants (I read the menus of , and the two Italian restaurants served it.

The Internet says both; it was an Italian Dish, which originated in Paris, France (there are so many in the US alone I thought to clarify) in an Italian restaurant. In the 1920’s (most sources say 1926) Doria entered Japan at the one of the most famous hotels in Japan the Yokohama New Grand Hotel, by a Swiss (though some sources say Swedish) chef as being French cuisine. Interesting history, doria has, either way on its birth culture, its biggest ground, like Pizza is not in its birthplace, but in a foreign land where it was thoroughly embraced.

What really matters is it is one of the most amazing yummy, hearty, sinful foods I ate in Japan, its right up there with omurice as my all-time favorite foods. I am so happy, that Gabe recommended we try it, because honestly, I doubt I would have ever tried it on my own; much less spend two hours, hunting down recipes to make my own version of this wonderful dish.

Today was both good and Bad. Good in that I got a lot done on my business essays: meeting my advisor for the last year, which I had never met, but seem to talk to about classes every two week; got research materials for the essays; clarified the topics. I even talked to the foreign language technical advisor and lab director at my University (I didn’t know we had such a person).

Sadly the one plan for today, which was to figure out and possible start my Japanese class makeup sessions for leaving Japan never happened, and won’t begin for a week and a half! Issues came up and my sensei won’t be available until then. Though I do get to start working on my Japanese reading and writing work!

NOW TO THE FOOD!

Emily’s A-Doria-able Doria
Serves 4 (Japanese) or 1-2 American guys that are starving!

Ingredients:

“Body”:
½ an Onion chopped finely
2 Mushrooms (or so) [ I used button]
½ a carrot, finely chopped (optional, I have lots of carrot)
2.5 cups of Cooked rice (can be pre-fried rice)
30-bite size shrimp, defrosted (mine were pre-cooked)
1 cup DRAINED chopped tomatoes, or tomato sauce

THE WHITE SAUCE:
1 cup half and half (or heavy cream if you have it)
1 egg
2 tablespoons butter
½ cup of cheese (if in Japan use “cheese” *you know what I mean*, outside I used mozzarella)

Topping:
½ cup of cheese (see above)

Directions:

Pre-heat oven to 350 F.

WHITE SAUCE:
1. Melt Butter in a sauce pan, until completely melted but not browning
2. In Bowl mixed half and half and the egg, mix well.
3. Add Egg mix to butter, and stir and stir and, oh yeah, STIR! For about 5 minutes until sauce thickens up.
4. Add Cheese and STIR some more, until the cheese totally melts into the sauce. Set aside but don’t let get cold.

BODY:
1. Fry the rice a bit if not already done so (I used left over fried rice from breakfast).
2. Sautéed onions, and carrots until soft but not caramelized.
3. Throw in mushrooms, and cook until mushrooms are done (3-5 minutes)
4. Add in rice, and stir for a minute. Set aside for assemble

ASSEMBLE:
1. Place rice in greased casserole dish or caste iron skillet (for best taste).
2. Place tomatoes or tomato sauce on top evenly.
3. Place white sauce evenly over the top of this.
4. Sprinkle cheese over top evenly.

Bake for 15 minutes at 350. Then for a yummy brown top, turn it up to broil until brown speckled.

Wait at least 5 minutes to serve. Eat. Enjoy. Laugh at the happiness.

Soul searching_ Japan One

Some days I get up and don’t know why I get up. Not like today sucks, why did I get up at all? But more of I open my eyes and I wonder why I get up. Actually I wake up maybe 75% of the time with this feeling. I know I have things to get done that day, but I wonder why I do them. I quit being a geologist because I could not see myself answering that question with anything in geology. I woke knowing every day that even as I told the world that I wanted/was going to be a geologist, it wasn’t a reason to get out of bed. As horrible as it sounds despite the fact that it sounds good to say “Today, I am going to find a way to save thousands of lives by figuring out how to better predict earthquakes/mudslide” or “Today is the day I am going to do *insert geology thingy* to figures out why Mars core died.”


For a really long time, I felt ashamed, because this is why I gave up a life- long dream, because in the few minutes of subconscious ruled thinking in my mornings my mind told me I didn’t really care, for what I was planning to do with my life. While rocks and theoretical people were great, I wanted to help people daily, the joy I found in helping a patron in the library, planning summer programs, or my favorite memories of work, making databases and planning schedules for other people, wasn’t quite as temporary as the fleeting pleasure of rocks. The more I look at the world and myself the more I begin to wonder if I want to be a planner of some sort. I get a thrill of joy in organization, planning, thinking plans through to the end, and looking at every possible consequence (save opening my mouth around friends, Sorry ya’ll.) My international business management class project last semester I really enjoyed I loved finding out tons of information about a company, locations, markets, and piling into a report. I like doing business research, it’s a thrill, and I can get up and say “Today, I am going to help X company/group, by figuring out their problem and/or giving them new ideas to expand their products/market/customer relations or whatever my specialty becomes.” Not sure if that means I will go become a consultant at a consulting firm, or maybe become a business/contract lawyer. While I still wake up not knowing exactly why I get up every morning, my mind is forming a vague cloud of thought wiggling its self from the back of my mind into reality. This thought is pleasant to the mind even if it’s not quite in focus yet, and it’s better than the blank that it has replaced.

I know some of you reading this have been worrying about me, as the once overwhelmingly driven Emily now is replaced by Emily, seeming to float by, not sure where she is going. While it worries me too some days, I think you should know I am happier in this state of unknowing. I don’t have a plan but I know what I want, which sadly despite all my planning before I didn’t know. Some of those, I ignored because they “weren’t in my nature” that now I realize was ever much in my nature but let others opinions of my abilities and strength, or even the nature of fate, over ride my own emotional, spiritual hopes and dreams. Some I didn’t even realize I had until I grew up. I want things the old plan would never have been able to deal with, so it would have been scraped anyways. The Plan never had children, but now I know I want them, and now I know when I get a stable job and place that I know I want to call home (city/area) that I will begin to work on adopting/fostering them. I want a home with fish and plants, not an empty apartment or house that I only see every few months and vague remember how its white walls are different from the hotels/ camps; I stayed in while I worked on assignment. I know I want coworkers that I love to see and work, I didn’t give before. I still want to travel for work but I don’t want a home that is equally or less appealing to live in than a hotel. Okay, maybe not the best proof of my earlier humanity and more likely shows how worthy I was of Litchy’s nickname for me, Stranger, I was, but it’s something I want, that is some much different from who I was before.

Not sure why I am reflecting on the changes the last few years have brought, maybe it Japan, or maybe its guilt. After all how many weird vague answers have I given you about why geology wasn’t good enough major and I chose to get a degree in something “everyone” gets like International business. Why I traded a 70, 000 starting salary for a mere 43, 000; why I chose something hard for me like Japanese over something easy like quantitative measurements. Why I study coding to modify databases to better fit my needs, over learning environmental stimulation programs. Why do willing spend seven hours studying for a management exam, but I could never find the energy to study 3 hours for Mineralogy. Why I can spend every free second in a week looking for more information about market entry for a small car company in the US, but I got annoyed if I had to spend three hours looking for a geology paper about the Cranberry Gneiss. I can’t explain it well, but it is who I am. And maybe that is why even though I don’t know why I get up most morning, getting up has gotten easier and more enjoyable for me over the last year. Good morning world.

The Beginning of the Second week....

SO its Monday February 7th... and I started classes today. I have been busy. I know I swore I would remember to write as often as physically possible. This trip is just acting for the moment like my last trip and being horrible busy every second of the day... well technically it hasn't but I wasn't feeling so great sunday. I will be posting my notes/comments on the earlier days when I didn't get to post online.

Pictures coming soon.

I'M LEAVING TOMORROW ...

Technically its 1 a.m. and therefore Thursday.

Just imagine me freaking out about doing my taxes, talking to the IRS, double checking my packing, packing up the last of the important stuff that can't go in until last minute (shampoo, conditioner, toothbrush, etc.). Oh and the evil of nature decided that things NEEDED to start today.

Yeah, flying on Friday is going to be so much fun. I need to write back my speaking partner, mage! She seems really nice. She likes good food, so we should be alright. I hope. *crosses fingers*

Yeah, I am going to sleep soon, I swear. As I have to be up and out the door in the morning to go to MK's dorm hangout, maybe talk her into taking me to class with her. (let's see what UNC-CH classes are like).

Well more likely the next post I will be in Japan. Talk to you then. Buy lovelies.

Let's try this again...

You all must be mentally wondering: WHY IS SHE ON her Blog writing when she has to be at the airport in a mere 5 hours?

The reason is because I don't have to... Yeah, I missed an obvious flaw in my reservations that was a small glinch... Januray 28th is not Wedneday....and no I did not misread the actual date. The Day of the week was messed up. So yeah, I leave friday, which is a relieve because I was thinking leaving Wednesday and not arriving until Saturday was wrong, and I swear I had orginally planned to leave on Friday...

So life it moves on. I leave Thursday at noon to be at UNC Chapel Hill and have my best friend and most AMAZING PERSON ever, MK drive me to the Airport at 4:30 in the morning. *Yeah she loves me like crazy for doing that I know*

Which is nice because I got a chance to get my haircut, and an extra two days to panic about perfect packing. Its so silly but packing my bags is the scariest thing about going to Japan. I feel silly. Though to be humorous my shoes choices are still (almost two years later) my weak-point in my packing. Do I carry by suede knee boots or not? Do I even waste time taking my sneakers that half the time pinch my toes, but are water proof?

Oh the decisions.

Six days and Counting...

I will not Panic!

I need to pack, study more, figure out what I am doing about shoes. Should I carry pillows? Or just buy cheap ones when I get there (which is the current plan).

Every little thing has me worried and at the same time I am all like cool and calm. Which is bizzare.

So yeah, six days. I need to do something to keep my mind off it. Woot.

Please keep up with me this semester.

Visa Recieved. Mission Accomplished.

Well, I survived my trip to Atlanta and have my visa!

I arrived at the Consulate at 9 o'clock sharp, got my paper work in and was told to arrive the next day to pick it up. Spent the night at my Uncle Norman's in a North Atlanta Suburban town. Went out to dinner with him and MK, before passing out and sleeping all night. Woke up, picked up visa, and drove home.

Not much of a story though I think if I hadn't been so tired after all that I would remember more to tell you.

Today, I just chilled helped Polly pack, then did the whole watch my younger siblings until my dad got home. You know, fixed snacks, helped with homework, cooked dinner, played games, got them ready for bed before making "bed snack" popcorn and having us all settle down with a movie for a quiet friday night in.

Over all pretty nice day today.

Step ... I have forgotten.. Planning the visa Trip.

T-2 days until the Atlanta Road trip. Its going to be both scary as anything I have ever done so far, and the lead in for the scariest thing I will have ever done in my life after it.

I am excited, and nervous and not sure what to make of visiting Uncle Norman. I have not seen him or his wife in years, and I need to play nice with Aunt Debbie. WHich is I remember is not difficult at all, but I am nervous about MK. mainly because its the Two of US. We get in a kind of the two of us kick and might possible curse which is a No-No with Uncle Norman.

Woot... as this failed to post just saved as a draft. its T-1. Leaving at 2 am tomorrow morning. Wish me Luck and talk to you all in a few days.

And the Adventure Begins... AGAIN.

So Despite the fact that this blog has of the last year been a complete monologue of my relationship growth I am going to get this BLOG BACK ON TRACK.

Though honestly I wonder if my relationship building and ultimate fall with Zach wasn't an important part of this adventure all along. By the way if you want to know, its not so bad anymore, so days I have a bad day but most days I don't. Which is great.

So On January 26th 2011 I will be getting on a Plane to Osaka International Airport to begin my semester abroad. I AM COMPLETELY TERRIFIED. But I still haven't started packing, and I have to go get my VISA Done. Its scary.

Mainly because I have this one question I have left. And I feel stupid for wondering but no one tells you anywhere... Is your "company" for your Visa your HOME SCHOOL (Aka Apps) or the school you are doing the exchange with (Kansai GAIDAI)? No Clue and I am terrified to say the wrong one. I should just be a grown up and email Sean. But since I got him the most awkward Christmas gift and he was not so greatly amused (laughing at me for being extra silly) he seemed to take it as a sign of something.... So much for my plan to make my last encounter with Sean (more likely forever) extra special since he, Tifa, and Erin are the last of the great CHANGERS of my life I still talk to, and both Him and Erin are going to be gone (where ever) they go by the time I get back.

What is even more terrible is I never figured out what to get Erin for Christmas... Its hard to get a gift for the most bad-ass amazing person you met. Even though we rarely talk I have to say she changed my perspectives on the world every time we talked.

Now I think I am almost just babbling, basic plot:

I am nervous about studying abroad

I am nervous about everything changing

I am nervous/ sad about more likely never seeing amazing people again.

I wonder if I am any different than when I started all this? Am I better for it?

Me Vs. Monday. Monday = 1, Me= 0

>.< Some days you fail to operate under normal logic. Sunday was my day; spent all day making/building my bento/ quick dinner stocks (studying for Japanese as I did so); and I forget to make my bento, knowing My normal Monday refusal to wake up at a decent hour.

So, College kid bento on the fly (under 3 minutes)! Leftover sausage, onions and peppers sandwich, carrots, grape tomatoes, and pumpkin seeds. This was taken right before I ate it at my desk. There was was Banana chips between my tomatoes and carrots, but I was hungry during my coffee break.

Bento number 1

So bento of fall 2010 Number 1:


First Box: Curried Salmon "salad", rice, steamed carrots and peas, and raw carrots. Scream Style.
Second box: MORE RICE (*dances*), pineapples (crushed because I mistakenly bought them instead of cubes) and room for tomorrows "apple sticks" left from my morning apple.

For those whom (don't exist) want the Curried Salmon "salad" recipe:

Mix curry powder, ketchup and canned salmon to taste. Seriously that is it.

Tuesdays pretending to be Mondays.

Have I ever told you that I have a love/hate relationship with Long weekends? They both are great and the same time they make Tuesday feel like Mondays, which is plain evil.

Though this Tuesday playing at a Monday was decent enough, had a little bit of homesickness kick in. (I seem to have caught this bug this year). I watched Paprika with the Anime club which was amazing and weird. Nice day I guess, this Tuesday pretending to be a Monday

School it has started.

I really do not have anything interesting to say, or so I feel at the moment. Last week classes started, I worked a few hours at work, and was computer-less in theory.

I still checked my email daily and honestly it was refreshing but I know that I need a computer for research and projects that are coming up, so I ordered a new computer, which definitely put me back on some of my SURVIVING JAPAN fund. Which is horrible in its timing to my mind but not to horribly surprising. I am trying very hard to be of the mindset "At least it happened now so I can counter act the monetary loss before I leave. And it could have broke while I was in Japan (which is so much worse of a possibility)."

I am happy, healthy, and pretty much completely prepared for my classes next week. Which in comparison to the usual (pre this summer) me, is pretty amazing as it is only 2pm on Sunday. [Normally I do a panicked attempt at catching up on my weekly readings and MUST DO homework around 6-7pm on Sunday].

How are my loyal readers?

A proud moment

I did not run screaming when I saw him the other day. I feel very very proud of myself. I was sure that is exactly what I would do.

I got parking for my car (with an off campus company)and my computer's motherboard went bad. :(

Long weekend that keeps swinging from good to bad and back again. I am ready for classes to start so I can be busy enough not to worry so much about so many different little things going on. YAY for classes.

A Post on reality

I am leaving for college in three days. Tuesday, Wednesday, leaving Thursdays. Where did my summer go? I don't feel like I have anything physical to show for this summer. It seems to the outside world and sometimes my mind as if its a wasted summer.

Reality has it that somethings have changed on the outside, I have gained back 5 of the pounds I have lost since going to college, the walk is finally edged (It has been since I went to college) the shed is clean, my car is clean (an act of god I know), and I have less acne. <.< Weird thing I know, my dad swears because I am not stressing myself to death anymore.

I gained back my self confidence and my happiness. I first time in the seven years I have known my best friend, fought with her about something. Which on reflection is the oddest thing ever.

I don't know where I was going with this post, other than I was going to get to describing this calm but nervous feeling in my stomach about school this year. I am nervous about it but not really worried about it. A new wonderful feeling, maybe a summer to unwind and place some priority on my own happiness, joy and taking time to de-stress and think through what I say.

A Trippy afternoon with the Murphy's.

Okay, I need to post something, because I told myself I would post regularly on this thing this summer. So I figured I would tell you about my interesting if absurd day I had on Monday.

BUT BEFORE WE BEGIN, here is a random update of my drama.

I can now say, ZACH, now. And I am thinking We (ash and I) have broken up. He lied one too many times, and its over, but we are still talking and he is really good at getting me to forgive him. >_<
Now on to YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULE SHOW:

First, was the car inspection. They told me to come back five times before they saw me, but it cost me 5 bucks cheaper than I thought, so it was very worth it. 2nd came my bi-weekly Moose Peppermint giving. Which turned into the weirdest thing that has happened all summer. In a good way. Firstly, I was later than usual, so MK's mum was home. She is a trip, on a average day, today she was just hilarious to deal with. She introduced me to the town farrier (spelling?) , and some how we started talking about my Cattle showing Career (yes I had a Cattle showing career in High School), and him asking me if I was going to start showing Horses next. He then gave a speech about what a good horse owner MK and her family was (they would be great role models for new horse owners). Her mother then proceeded to talk to me about everything that has went on, and her hunt for a car. Which was very amusing, as she spent thirty minutes arguing (to no one) that four doors were a better choice of car for her personal, the getting my opinion as 'a young person' about different cars. Followed by a discussion about how young my parents are (Your mother is the same age I was when I had MK... yadayada).Very amusing, and sweet.

Then MK's other horse (Buster, yes it was named after the Authur character on PBS) got loose, interestingly enough when her mum was discussing what a mean spirited escape artist this horse was. So I had to help catch him. It was very enlightening experience because I learned to properly put on a halter, the first time, in this adventure.

Then I get back to my house, to my mother who came home from her first day at her new job, giggling like an elementary school girl and gossiping about work and her co-workers. Which was nice but weird. Nice as my mother has not been happy at the last place she worked, to be exact she came crying often enough. Weird because my mother while being short and cute, has a general personality of a bull dog (which is why she is a great safety manager in warehouses), so seeing her all giggly from work was interesting.

Finally, I find out that some people do not have a sense of humor, or the ability to comprehend someone's intended message. Which was interesting, and a bit saddening. I really thought the person was alright until they got angry over a joking comment. I seriously was surprised, I am hoping they are just having a bad day like I was the other day, and taking things the wrong way because of it. But hey I am taking it in stride. My surprise shows that I have begun to meet one of my goals, which is to think the best of people until they prove me wrong. Which if you do not know me, I was one of those people who was, there are the people who know me and likes me, and everyone else hates me, either because they know me or because they hate everyone who they do not know. Horrible attitude to have, I know, which is why I am fixing it.

The Highlight of my day, I re-did my Roleplaying post I lost the other day, and while not perfect it was pretty close. Which is amazing because I thought I was going to get a mere 'Meh' post out!

Now if I can just sleep without having any nightmares that make me scream loud enough to wake my family up, for once this summer, it will be a perfect, not-interesting-enough-to-be-perfect day.

Cold in July.

I realized that it has been a week and I haven't posted an upbeat, I am fine, that mess on Sunday/Saturday was just a weak moment post.

It really wasn't that bad, actually yes it was, but it doesn't seem so mental bad now its over, kind of thing.

But now I have a cold. I hate colds, and I can't breath. But now two days later I can sit up and talk, so I am feeling good at the moment. 

Ash will be back in the states in 4 days. I never thought I would be happy to have someone a mere 6 hours away instead of on the other side of the global, but lo-and-behold it happened.  Mainly because we have such a small window where we can send messages and get them without waiting 24 hours for him to  get it (limited to an hour a day in the middle of the day India time), makes have really difficult discussions. We had  the AGE TALK again on Sunday morning (right after that mess). Apparently he was homesick and hated India, so he started ranting in his email about how the age gap made him nervous because he was worried I thought him immature, and that I was going to be starting my career in a little more than a year, and that he was afraid that I would get caught up in being a 'real' adult that I would forget about him. And it went on. It was so soothing, to know he had these fears welling up in him, after all I had them all the time (most of you have listened to me rant on this a few times each). 

And my room mate thing is messed up again. I have some random chick yet again instead of my chosen room mate. What is up with that?

Grief in Reality

Today was a good day though tonight is terrible. I am sitting at my computer crying, eating saltines and drinking a good cup of strong tea.

Tonight can mainly be described through the quote:

"Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. "

When it states everything, I really do mean everything, even looking at myself in the mirror. That is how the evening of crying began. I was brushing my hair in the mirror, and suddenly I had a flashback, like the ones in movies, to when we dyed my hair a year and a half ago.  I was in his suite's bathroom, we were looking at my hair, and all trying to avoid the 'awful truth' that my hair had not indeed turned a dark purple red, but was just a shade darker. No one, not even my parents, noticed the difference. I relived that happy little moment. 

I came out of it crying. Followed by every good moment we ever had, and the knowledge those good moments are gone. 

I wonder if it was the time when it all went down. It was 11:30-ish, which is when every summer since we meet we talked to each other almost every night. Between 11-ish-1 / 2 am was our time. Despite the fact I had to be up at 6 am for work most days, I stayed up just to have those few moments with him. I was over whelmed with the thought is that why? Did we fall apart because when we were only a few yards away we quit making the time for each other and it is why we feel apart? 

Then it hit. We fell apart because I couldn't hide that I loved him.

"Frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel. Upset because we can't make it right. Sad because I need you day and night. Angry because you won't take my hand. Aggravated because you don't understand. Disappointed because we can't be together, but still I'll love you forever."

Another perfect quote for what was going on. Right there with "Everything you want", some days I wondered back when we fell apart if they wrote it about us. I still can't say his name, I know if I do I'll shatter. Its best to just cry a lot tonight, and pretend it didn't happen tomorrow.

Of course I had to cry silently because as we can only afford to air condition certain rooms and only at night, my sister is sleeping on a mat on my floor.  So yeah, I am blogging about it so tomorrow I remember and so I can let it go. After all I don't think anyone reads this, so its my personal diary of my life.

And drinking tea, licking up crumbs of saltines (I finished my stack), and having Rob Thomas's "Little wonders" playing. Is this heartbreak? If so how do people live like this? How did I fall so much for someone without knowing until I couldn't avoid this? Can you tell me, I can only hope I can tell myself the answer tomorrow, or maybe the next day. 

The last thought in my mind is a flashback to one of our talks, where I said that "I give a year and a day for me and my friends to fix things. And I mean that quite faerly". I am fairly sure that I will love him for a year and a day, in a faery kind of way. And by that I mean forever.

And I am going to have to learn how to live with it. After all this is life after Zach.

Summer blues...

This post is about the difficult times I mentioned in the last post. Its a little bit depressing and straight forward.

I really hate the middle of July. I always get depressed. or maybe just really reflective. Though this year it seems worse that usual, though everyone I know says that my blues are normal this year, both for me (though some say they are less) and they would be in existence for anyone in my situation. I think they mean that as a compliment.

I am jobless. Which is what everyone thinks is the only thing making me sad. Its a big part of it, and I think its actually the central issue of my life at the moment. I feel completely for my newly graduated friends who weren't lucky enough to get jobs.

My fight with MK. Even though we patched things up, it worries me. We have not really ever fought before, and then it was such a serious fight. One about Drinking and Driving. I didn't like the idea of anyone driving after one drink, but Mk was fine with it. She spent most of the dinner taunting me for "being so childish" because I wasn't willing to have just one drink and drive home. I chose not to drink. Was I being childish? And how could we be so close and disagree on such a fundamental idea? I worry how much longer we will even be friends as time and beliefs tear us apart. 

I am not eating. I am eating, but not much and not often. Its too hot. Which I think is adding to everything else.

I am not sleeping. I just can not get to sleep at night, or if I do it is nightmare filled. I have tried tons of stuff to make it easier to sleep, it just is not happening. My mum thinks taking a sleeping pill one night will help. I do not want to tell her, they might help but I am scared to get addicted. I took them a lot last semester when the whole stalker thing went down.  I got another one a while back, I didn't open it and just trashed it.

Which leads to another major part of my depression. HIM, I serious can not even think his name without crying these days, and there is a list of things that if are brought up send me into tears just because they remind me of him. I miss him so much it hurts, and at the same time I hate him. I hate him, I hate the self I was around him (actually I think I hate the person I became in the two years I knew him), though I now doubt he and I were the only ones who created those monsters.  My sister says I have come to the four stage of grief: "Depression." (Reflection/Loneliness) She says is a good thing, because it means I am grieving the loss and I have accepted and realised the depth of our "A great but Terrible" friendship and its end. So it is possible to move on. 

And then there is Ash. He is so painfully wonderful. While thinking of Him, I cry, when I think of Ash I as Mk said, " this goofy cheesy but cute smile on your face. Weird but cute and happy." He is part of the depressing/worrying issue and he is not. I guess I worry about us, and about me. I think I am falling for him, and I know its not permanent, and its long distance. I worry about me liking him because I am griefing. I am afraid what will happen as I change as I come out of grieving to a new, and hopefully an improved Me.  So he might not be depressing but us worries me, and I am not sure how to express it. We have gone so far in the last few months. We talk and some how we have progressed to being really comfortable with each other, we can talk simply about everything, and he frees something in me. Some thing that by allowing me to let out calms me down, makes me realise my actions. Slows down time, or maybe I am feeling less rushed to take action or express myself. I know how much time I have to think and use it wisely, might be a better way to say it. I realised that those that want to listen to me will let me take time to form them and think them through. Those who do not want to listen to me will rush me and it is not worth it to be rushed in action or thoughts. He gives me hope and perspective. He soothes my soul.

My last worry is the summer itself. After all in many ways this is the last summer of my life. Even though I am not graduating next spring. Next summer will be about preparing for the coming storm that is life. Getting my stuff together to apply for graduate School/ Law School if I chose to go that path. Getting my 'stuff' together to apply for jobs during my last semester, or prepping for applying for JET. Which is definitely a possibility still. 

When did my life get complicated? When did I start caring so much? When did I get to this place? I feel lost and am looking for my way to some where I want to be going.