A Post on reflection.

Today I realized its been a year since I began my new life, since my trip to Japan and Taiwan; and how much everything has changed, how much I have changed. 

I have friends who actually think I can do things, and actual like me. Really like me, not just put up with me because I can be amusing or I will put up with their horrible behavior.

I can have conversations with other people and not feel like they are judging me as stupid or social misfit.

I open my mouth and say what I KNOW, and I don't see everyone looking at me like they think I am lying that I am making things up.

I don't feel like everyone in the world hates me, save a select few. I feel like a few people like me and the rest of the world just doesn't know me. 

I am not afraid of people hating me, and I am okay with being friends with just one person in a group, even if the rest of that group has decided to hate me. I don't care what other people think of me, especially those who hate me, its a waste of energy to hate and a waste of my heart. For hate is love denied.

I have learned not to curl into a ball when people turn on me, because I don't live up to their expectations of who They think I should be. 

I no longer get angry because some one turns out to be different from what I thought they were, somethings what I saw was an illusion I created.  I should be grateful I got to see reality.

I learned that what people say they want is never what they want, and being what they want only makes them hate you and you will hate yourself.

I am learning to not have my life center only on me.

I am learning how to have a real relationship with people based on life, not scheduled times to talk.

I have fear, hope, and understanding for my unknown future. I am willing to face the unknown without a plan b/c I know I can't really make one.

Its amazing how much a year changed me. I am sorry for what I have lost. My first real love, two best friends, a dream, my faith in people I once trusted, are all things I have lost. New friends, a better understanding of my sisters/my family, happiness, faith in myself, believe in the world not just the world as individuals, and lots of little things are what I have gained.

I can only hope the next year coming up will be just as much of a growing experience for me as this year was. I hope for new friends, experiences, ideas, bad poetry, bizarre moments, and lots of laughter. Thank you to everyone who has made this year wonderful.

P.S. to my readers: If some of you don't love me anymore why do you keep 'following me'?

Quick as Ash Curry.

Woot!!!School is almost over!!!! I am happy though sad, I feel like its the end of things despite the fact I will be back in the Fall , then in the Spring I am off to Kansai Gaidai!!!

 

Here is the dinner I just cooked, I wish I could show you pictures I need to get a camera!!!

 

Ash's Quick Curry for 2

Ingredients:

 

6-10 shrimp (large or medium)

1/2 cup onion chopped finely

1/2 cup potato finely chopped (sweet or Yukon is best)

1/2 cup of other veggies

2 cloves of garlic
1 green chilli
¼ tsp salt
¼ tsp turmeric
½ tsp ground cumin
¼ tsp ground coriander
1 tsp tomato purée
¼ tsp garam masala or 1 tsp curry paste

Directions:

Step 1:  Add 3 tablespoons of vegetable oil. Then add the chopped onion, garlic, and potatoes. fry for 2 minutes.

Step 2: Add Shrimp/Chicken and continue to fry for 5 to 6 minutes. The Shrinp/chicken will start to cook, and turn entirely white on the outside.

Step 3: Add veggies and chilli: Stir. Carry on frying gently over a medium heat, until everything is golden brown, which takes 2 to 3 minutes. 

Step 4: Add spices to the pan. Stir well.

Step 5: Add 1 teaspoon of tomato purée, and 1/4 teaspoon of garam masala or curry paste.

Stir, and fold in yogurt  into the mixture.

Step 6: Mix for half a minute more and then serve on RICE!!!!!!

Weird Dreams Take III

I had a dream where I was accidentally involved in an intergalactic space traveling mission to save the crew of a space ship with my friend Josh (remember him, I wonder if he is my cue for strange dreams); which started in my backyard over the summer (for some reason he lived a few miles away not across the state from me during the summer) with a weird message from the crew. Whom, I (the dream me) had meet at an earlier time, but didn't know where time/space traveling  people. Ultimately Josh and I got ourselves to the other side of the galaxy to save their asses, from some insane scientist trying to build a black matter vacuum so they could change the past and rule the planet they were originally from, Nearly die of lack of oxygen and tumbling caused by changes in the gravity of the ship.  Then landing in be in a shipping crate of mangos in Dallas/Ft. Worth airport, half a year later  then when I left, because apparently the navigator of the ship sucks at driving through time and space at the same time. I ultimately get stuck playing the confused/ anesthesia victim, and Josh is thought to be a conspirator to whatever happened but no one has proof since no one can figure out what happened in that six months and neither of us seems to realize we have been gone more than a two days. 
 

 Then a few years later getting this all secretly statement that I can't come with them when they take Josh, off to future to join this crew  because It is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that I die in a certain plane accident. To be exact the plane I am getting on. Do I not get on, nope I do anyways.

*enters other persons back flashes* The reason they know its extremely important that I die then, is they tried to avoid having me die, and paradoxes occurred, where they never existed occurred. *end flashbacks*

Which while I 'official' die in the plane crash off the coast of Japan; I in actuality survive to teach English and math in a small remote island in China; Ultimately affecting the life a boy named Ji-a-n-you. Who would one day be the creator of the NEW International Space Program that leads to the creation of the group the crew, I will ultimately help, came from, by teaching him English, math and a spiritual believe in the idea of Destiny and the need to perserve/protect lives and their time lines. Apparently I was a good teacher.

*flashes to be Josh in HIS present ( basically 5 years after he joins the crew/organization to save the galaxy from time travels and keep peace). He is now the Captain of a different Ship though half the crew has joined his, and he is reflecting on my death and how he wonders what made my death so important. He has a picture of us from the summer that we took with my siblings at the local park, and the annoying (philosophical like mind to the group, even if stupid) tech geek who keeps everything running says something about 'not realizing Captain was a believe in Dan-dan-Simu (my chinese name apparently from my hair?!?), pulling out the 'reverent' photograph of the older me with a group of my students including Ji-A-N-You (pronunciation by the way).

Another weird dream brought to you by MY MIND. ^.^

Studying?!? Oh yeah, I was going to do that...

Today was proof of my inability to follow through with plans.

THE PLAN: Study for my International Economics Midterm a Timed DO as much as you can essay test!! Via studying his 20+ page Study guide (all 30 questions so not bad).

WHAT HAPPENED:

I got my car.
Told my mother about the stalker issue finally
I watched HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON (in theaters)
went grocery shopping
Made a hot Spinach, Mushroom swiss sandwich.
Took a nap
Made Shrimp Vegetable Udon (recipe below)

So Studying hasn't happened and its 7 pm and I think I will go to bed early tonight. Though I might be awesome and go print off the study guide tonight at the PSU.I think I am more annoyed at the idea of having to add money to the stupid card for printing.

So RECIPE: Not really but hey:

Ingredients

• Onions- sliced into thin slices and then cut in half length wise (two servings)
  
• florets Broccoli - two servings worth ( I use frozen)
  
• carrots- sliced thinly (two servings)
• Shrimp - deviened and shelled (two servings)
• Mushrooms- two servings
• Soy sauce- about two/three tablespoons
• Honey - about 1 teaspoon
• Water - about 4 tablespoons
• ginger - to taste
• Udon- One bundle
• oil 
  
  
• One Bowl for mixing
• One pot
• water for boiling
  
• one pan

Instructions: 

1. Mix Soy sauce, ginger, water, and Honey together in bowl. Stir until Honey dissolves.
   
2. Mix in vegetables and Shrimp. Mix under all are covered in mixture
3. Let sit for five minutes. 
4. Separate the mushrooms, broccoli and Shrimp from the root veggies by placing on different sides of the bowl.
5. Start the water in the pan for cooking udon on high. 
   
6. Turn the heat on medium under the pan/skillet that is oiled. 
7. When pan is heated, put in the root vegetables, stirring occasionally for two to three minutes, until they begin to become transparent.
8. Throw in the shrimp, mushrooms, and broccoli. NOT THE SAUCE.
9. At this point, the udon water should be hot. throw in udon, 
   stir both pots occasionally for three minutes.
10. Drain udon. leave in pan.
11. Add Sauce to the stirfry.
12. Once the sauce is being to boil, throw in the udon and until covered.
13. Serve hot and Enjoy!

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LOVE What is it? (repost)

Original Post was made: 2/27/10

Moments of clarity are rare. At least for me. Moments when all of the things in the universe that affect you swarm into perfect understanding for a split second before turning back into the chaos that surrounds you. That split second gives you magnitudes of knowledge about yourself, the world, and what you see. Three things that are often very different from each other. I had a moment of that, in the middle of a film in a theatre, my best friend's head on my shoulder as we watched actors protray a great man's death.

I Loved her. Truly Loved her. I can begin to understand or explain fully what that knowledge, that moment gave me of what Love was. I know that I would die to spend another second with her,not save her life, just a mere second longer, a mere glimpse of her, and I doubted despite all the years and how different we became and will become, I would ever feel differently. I realized in that second I only Loved four people that way. My friend, my brother, my sister Anna, and my Father. These people despite everything in the world, what they do, what I do, and time itself; I have, and I believe, I will always be willing to die to spend just one more second with them.

I feel like I have wasted time, and lost friendship trying to make that feeling exist for other people. TRying to make myself feel that need, that LOVE, and I couldn't. What worse I believed that I did Love them, truly love them. And I did not. I did not Love them. I felt 'love' yes, that irrational enjoyment of another's company, THE need to be what they need, to have them Love me, but I didn't Love them.

I feel like a horrible person. And the moment is fading fast, and that is all I can say. I am sorry I thought I Loved you, I am terrible sorry. Sorry for losing what we had, sorry for not being able, whatever it is that makes me love you, but not Love you.

And now for something COMPLETELY different...

"Everyone uses each other. Its human nature. Friendship is when on most days you BOTH think you are getting the better deal, and feel like your cheating the other. On bad days you thinks its just fair, or just a little sided against you. And the bad days are few and far between"

Yeah I just quoted myself. Have issues with it? :P

I love my best friends they make everything better, even if they live on the other end of a Continent! ^W^

Mainly by making you give them advice that you need yourself through their problems reminding you who you are, and helping you bounce back.

Understanding is a noun.

Which is the New knowledge of the day # 58. 

God today has been a long, productive in that way that I have nothing to show for it but maybe some new neuron connections in my brain, that I am not going to show you because showing you would kill me.

I have exactly a week until my ISEP application is due. I am pretty much at my wit ends about the schools application stuff because everyone is playing footsie about where my courses go and if they are okay with my schedule. DAMN EVIL ADMINISTRATION AND CHAIR PEOPLE. You can't just go, well this is what you need. Nope you have to sit around and degrade my attempts at doing what you are unwilling to give me help with this paper work, and point out things I missed I DIDN'T KNOW existed until then. Though I don't dislike it, it definitely is worth the effort to fix what they said needed to be fixed and definitely academically better for me to do this, but do they have to use that 'you are so stupid' tone ?

Despite how whiny that paragraph sounds, my busy running getting stuff done day actually made me very happy. I like my room mate though I think we might annoy each other because we are both a lot alike, other than our prefer room temperature (she likes it hot I like it cold, and I feel like this is a bad love R&B song. *music notes float by*)

Classes start Monday Afternoon for me. Yes I said Afternoon, on Monday, Wednesday, Friday my academic day does not start until noon, with my Japanese class. Which I am not sure is good bad or what. Japanese is definitely for me one of those classes I need to warm my brain up a bit before hand. Which on the side, is why I have tripled the amount of Translation work on my 'Why I am studying abroad' essay in the last three hours. Yes I am spending hours translating stuff. Its freaking hard. Lots of work but its kind of fun too. 

Thats really all I have to say. I feel bad, I didn't talk to Ash today. Bet he isn't very happy with me at all.Bye.